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The Heiress Hunters 



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The Heiress Hunters 

A Comedy in Three Acts 



By 

WALTER BEN HARE 

Author of "The Hoodoo" "The Dutch Detective" 
"Teddy" "The Boy Scouts," etc. 



Notice to Professionals 

This play is published for the use of amateurs only. Profes- 
sional companies are forbidden the use of it in any form or 
under any title, without the consent of the author, who may be 
addressed in care of the publishers. 



BOSTON 

WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
1915 



The Heiress Hunters 



CHARACTERS 

Tom Timmons, author ] The 

Dick Chetwynd {Lord Richard Chetwynd )> artist \ Heiress 

Harry Clive, musician J Hunters. 

Major Morann, Toms uncle and Amethyst 's guardian. 

Whimper, the only butler in Kokomo. 

Amethyst Lake, the heiress. 

Nell Gray, a true American girl. 

La Lolita, a model young lady from Spain. 

Mrs. Ballou, Amethyst's aunt, with social aspirations. 

The Widow Wood, who could blame her? 

John Patrick Wood, aged fourteen. 

Pandora Wood, aged thirteen. 

Rosella Wood, aged six. 

Bijah Wood, a mere splinter. 

Note. — Rosella and Bijah have no lines to speak. 



SYNOPSIS 

ACT I. — The Castle of the Three Musketeers. Off for Kokomo. 

Act II. — The lawn at Lakemont, Kokomo, Indiana. The 
Widow Wood. 

Act III. — Evening party at Lakemont. Cupid shoots right and 
left. 

Time. — The present. 

Place. — New York City and Kokomo, Indiana. 

Time of Performance. — Two hours and twenty minutes. 




Copyright, 191 5, by Walter Ben Hare 

Free for amateur performance. Professional 

stage-right reserved. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

Tom Timmons. — A bright, quick-spoken, confident young 
man of about twenty-two. Act I. Full evening dress. Red 
socks, etc., as described in text. Act II. Shabby trousers, 
worn blue flannel shirt, ragged coat and cap. Bundle tied in 
old red handkerchief tied to a stick. Act III. Full evening 
dress. Red rose, white gloves. 

Dick Chetwynd. — Rather tall, slow-speaking, puzzled 
Englishman. May wear neat blond wig and small blond 
moustache. Aged about twenty-five. Eye-glass all through 
play. Make-up ruddy. Act I. Costume as described in 
text. Act II. Traveling suit, hat and light top-coat. White 
spats. Cane, grip and leather hat-box. Very neat costume. 
Act III. Full evening dress, eye-glass, etc. Pink rose. 

Harry Clive. Quick and boyish. Aged twenty. Juvenile 
make-up. Act I. Dress as described in text. Act II. Riding 
suit, hat, stock tie, crop, boots, etc., for first entrance. Neat 
tennis suit for second entrance. White hat. Act III. Even- 
ing clothes. White rose. 

Major Morann. — Quick tempered and fifty. Red face. 
White wig, eyebrows, and drooping moustache a la Bismarck. 
Very short, prompt and gruff. Act I. Old man's business 
suit and hat. Act II. Different business suit and hat. Act III. 
Full evening dress. 

Whimper. — Should be portly and wear black side-whiskers. 
May dress in livery, or in evening suit with low collar, gilt braid 
and buttons, black tie. Shoulders thrown back. Very stiff 
and dignified. Aged forty-five. Bald wig. 

Amethyst Lake. — A blonde. Aged nineteen. Very elab- 
orate costumes strictly up to date. Act I. Walking dress and 
hat. Act II. Riding habit, gloves, hat and crop. Second 
entrance, handsome white afternoon gown, hat and parasol. 
Act III. Elaborate trailing ball gown. Three roses, white, 
red and pink. 

Nell Gray. — A pretty, soft-spoken ingenue. Aged nine- 
teen. Act II. Light summer dress, hat and parasol. Act III. 
Ball gown with lace head-dress. Simple and girlish, not at all 
affected. Play scene with Tom in Act II with emotional under- 
current. 



4 COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS 

La Lolita (pronounced Loleeta). — Aged twenty-two. 
Striking brunette. Black lace mantilla, high comb, red rose 
in hair. Black lace dress with scarlet or yellow satin zouave 
jacket and hip sash. Slippers. Stiletto in sash. In Act III 
she may wear same costume or may change to light satin dress 
with red silk shawl draped around it a la Carmen. White 
lace mantilla with comb and red rose. Play the part melo- 
dramatically at all times. Stamps, shrugs of the shoulders, 
poses, etc., characterize this temperamental young lady. Use 
heavy make-up, red and black. 

Mrs. Ballou. — White wig, lorgnettes. Costumes similar to 
Amethyst. Very pompous, but not to the point of burlesque. 

The Widow Wood. — Bright red wig dressed in eccentric 
manner. Red eyebrows. Face lined. Aged forty. Act I. 
Red skirt, blue waist, gingham apron and hair disarranged. 
Act II. Eccentric dark traveling costume and bonnet. Um- 
brella. Act III. Gaudy dress and bonnet of many colors. 
Large white parasol. 

John Patrick. — Aged fourteen. Ragged suit with knee 
trousers. Acts II and III. Neater suit with cap. May wear 
red wig. 

Pandora. — Aged thirteen. Short calico skirt, striped stock- 
ings. Dark jersey. Hair in pigtails. Acts II and III. Comic 
traveling costume with bright ribbons. Eccentric hat with 
ribbons hanging down behind. 

Rosella. — Similar to Pandora. This character may be 
omitted. 

Bijah. — Funny costume for child of three. This character 
may be omitted. 



The Heiress Hunters 



ACT I 

SCENE. — The Castle of the Three Musketeers. A dingy 
and dilapidated attic room, boxed. Centre door leading to 
stairs. Door at l. leading to another room. The furni- 
ture is battered, broken and old. A couch down R., broken 
and propped up with a stack of books. Overturned park 
bench in c. of stage. Rickety old table down l. , with several 
broken chairs and stools around stage. Two cracker boxes 
serve as a cupboard and contain broken dishes. Old piano 
up near flat, r. c. Several old pieces of furniture around 
stage. Note : These pieces are not used during the action 
of the play except at finale of act when they are to be broken 
in pieces. Packing box down l. c. serves as a desk. On 
it are a lamp, several ma?iuscripts, papers, music, etc. On 
the table is a broken bowl, several dirty dishes, a battered 
tin pail in which is a small wash-board and a piece of yel- 
low soap. Picture on artist's easel up L. Several un- 
framed pictures around room and on walls. Plaster casts 
for drawing add to scene. Tor?i red table-cloth on table. 
Mop and old broom standing in conspicuous position. Small 
shelf with clock and looki?ig glass down stage r. Old 
clothes rack in left upper corner full of old clothes, battered 
hats, etc. General air of neglect and poverty. Before the 
curtain ascends the orchestra plays the chorus of " Home 
Sweet Home " very slowly and plaintively, then repeat same 
loud and fast as curtain goes up. Music stops. 

{Lights on full as the curtain rises. Tom Timmons is lying 
on the floor at c. completely hidden from the audience by 
the overturned park bench, the back of which is toward 
audience. He wears full evening dress, bright red socks 
and no shoes. Dick Chetwynd is asleep on the couch 
down r. He wears pajamas and felt slippers. His 
clothes are arranged on chairs on stage. His shoes in c. 

5 



O THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

of stage ready for Harry Clive to stumble over. John 
Patrick Wood, outside, knocks loudly on c. d. No 
reply. Knock repeated. Dick stirs uneasily. John, 
outside, thumps on door with stick. Dick jumps up, 
throws shoe at door, shivers, wraps himself i?i blanket, 
curls up on couch and sleeps.) 

John {outside a). Mr. Timmons ! Mr. Chetwynd 1 Mr. 
Clive ! 

Har. {outside l.). What's matter? Who is it ? 

John {outside a). It's me ! John Patrick ! Git up ! 
You told me to wake you up. Git up ! {Bangs on door.) 

Enter Har. from l. , in stocking feet, trousers and shirt, 
hair rumpled. He yaw?is and stretches. 

Har. {sleepily). What's the matter? Where's the fire? 
Great socks, but it's cold ! {Steps on Dick's shoe.) Ouch ! 
Thought it was a rat. 

{Throws shoe at Dick, who turns over and sleeps again.) 
John {outside a). Are you up ? It's me ! 

{Knocks loudly.) 
Har. {opening c. d.). Who's me? 

Enter John, c. d. He stands near door. 

John. It's me. 

Har. John Patrick. Well, what's all the row ? Some- 
body fighting ? 

John {coming down a). Naw. You told me to get you 
out. 

Har. {putting on shoes at l.). Well, you got me. 

John {grinning). You told me half- past eight. 

Har. {looki?ig at clock on shelf). And it's now only nine. 
John Patrick, when a man tells you to wake him at half-past 
eight, never, never under any consideration, disturb him before 
eleven. {Shivers.) Brr ! Lovely morning for October. 
Well, now that you have waked me, we must have breakfast. 
(Dick snores gently.) Look at him ! John Patrick, harkento 
a friend and a brother in distress, never, never room with an 
Englishman. 

John. Do you want me to get you some breakfast, Mr, 
Clive ? 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 7 

Har. I do. Take this nice little dime and get me a nice 
little bottle of milk and a nice little loaf of bread for a nice lit- 
tle breakfast. (Gives him a dime.) 

John. Is that all youse is goin' to have for breakfast ? Just 
milk and bread ? 

Har. (putting on collar and tie). All ? All ! Bread and 
milk, all ? Why, it's a feast fit for an American. And then 
it's so very healthy. Don't you ever read the physical culture 
magazines ? Every third morning you eat bread and milk. 

John. And what do you eat on the other two mornings ? 

Har. {brushing hair). Oh, on those mornings you don't 
eat. But let us not think of the morrow while we feast to-day. 

John. Feast ? On milk and bread ? 

Har. (mock dramatic). Ay, lad, feast. But away, honest 
John Patrick, away and speed, and in mine orisons be thou re- 
membered. 

John. All right, Mr. Clive, I'll speed all right, all right. 
( Crosses to c. d.) Milk and bread, a feast ! Gee, ain't these 
artist guys nutty ? [Exit, C. D. 

(Dick gently snores.) 

Har. (shaking him). Dick, get up ! Get up. It's your 
turn to wash the dishes. (Pulls his hair.) 

Dick (sleepily). All right, James. Call down and tell the 
governor that I'm coming. (Tur?is over and sleeps.) 

Har. Very well, little Sleeping Beauty. 

(Crosse to piano, plays and sings to tune of " Reveille. " ) 

I can't get 'em up, I can't get 'em up, 

I can't get 'em up in the morning ! 
Corporal's worse than a private, 
Sergeant's worse than a corporal, 
Captain's worse than a sergeant, 
Major's worst of all. 

I can't get 'em up, I can't get 'em up, 

I can't get 'em up in the morning ! 

(Bangs on piano.) 

Dick (sitting up and rubbing his eyes). I say ! 

Har. (swinging around on stool). Hello, Little Brighteyes, 
come out and greet the sun. 

Dick (throwing off blanket). What have we got for break- 
fast ? 



8 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Har. Same old thing. Bread and milk. 

Dick {slipping on old bath robe and gathering up his clothes). 
Ghastly. I've drunk so much milk lately that I'm ashamed to 
look a self-respecting lady cow in the face. 

Har. {exercising). See how I thrive on it. 

Dick. You do look disgustingly fit. Jolly bad habit, this 
eating. Starving is so much more healthy and economical. 

[Takes bath towel and exits, L. 

Har. Hurry up. It's your turn to wash the dishes. 

Dick {head in door at l.). Wash the dishes? 

Har. Sure. Or we don't eat. This is your day. 

Dick. Why didn't you wash them last night? 

Har. {going to piano). Forgot it. 

Dick. Just like your bally cheek. [Exit, l. 

Har. {singing, playing his own accompaniment). Waiting 
for you, dear heart, dear heart ! {Speaks.) That's not tender 
enough. {Plays bass chords.) That's better ! 

(Sings.) Waiting for you, dear heart, dear heart, 
Wondering why we are kept apart. 
Morning and night and golden noon, 
Still I am singing the old love tune 



Dick {head in at l.). Who's been cleaning fish in our bath 
tub? 

Har. The Widow Wood. 

Dick. Blazes. I wish she would clean her beastly fish down- 
stairs. 

Har. She couldn't. One of the splinters poured some glue 
down the sink. Be neighborly. It's only a few fish scales. 

Dick. Blooming cheeky, I think. What ! [Exit, l. 

Har. {playing and singing loudly for finale). 

Waiting for thee, dear heart, dear heart, 
Waiting for thee, dear heart ! 

{Burlesque high note finale.) 

(Tom sticks his red-socked foot from beneath bench and 

wriggles it.) 

Dick (off stage at l.). Oooo ! This water is like ice. 
Har. {singing loudly). Waiting for thee, dear heart ! 
Tom {concealed by the bench). Help, help ! 
Har. (turning toward him). What's the matter, little 
cherub ? 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 9 

Tom. Help ! Where am I ? 

Har. {coming to hint). Fast behind the iron bars of justice. 

Tom. Take me out. Take this thing off of me. 

Har. {setting bench up, discovering 'Yon. on floor). Good- 
morning, my son. Oh, Thomas, Thomas, whatever have you 
been a-doing of? 

Tom. What time is it? 

Har. All the little dicky birds have been billing and cooing 
for hours. 

Tom. What are you doing up so early ? 

Har. It's after nine. Awake, awake, my love, there's 
hectic gayety afoot. 

Tom {rising). Gimme a drink of water. 

( Crosses to table and drinks from pitcher. Note : Drink 
long, then put hand in and lave brow.) 

Har. You must have had one grand evening last night, 
what? 

Tom. Don't mention it. Where's my shoes? {Finds one.) 
Where's the other? {Looks around.) 

Har. Maybe you lost it on Broadway? 

Tom. I remember now. I threw it out of the window at a 
cat. Oh, this is awful — and the major coming at ten. 

Har. The major? 

Tom. My uncle. He's coming to give me one more last 
chance. And by Jove, I'm going to take him up. I've been 
a good Indian for a year now and have earned seventeen dol- 
lars by the sweat of my brow. So let them kill the fatted calf, 
the prodigal is coming home. 

Har. Going to leave us at last ? 

Tom. Why don't you and Dick come with me to Kokomo? 
My uncle runs a paper out there. We can all get good jobs. 

Har. What could a musician do in Kokomo ? 

Tom. Just about the same as you are doing in New York. 
Play the piano in a picture show. 

Har. Yes, but who wouldn't rather starve in New York 
than feast in Kokomo? 

Tom. I wouldn't. So it's a long farewell to all my great- 
ness ! 

Enter Dick, from l., dressed in trousers and shirt. 

Dick. Hello, Tom ; up at last, are you ? 



10 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Tom. Oh, no; I'm still asleep and dreaming that I'm a 
millionaire. 

Har. {writing at desk). Say, fellows, listen to this. I got 
a peach. (Sings.) Waiting for you, dear heart, dear heart ! 
(Tom howls like a dog.) Oh, cut the comedy. I think it's 
pretty good. {Works.) 

Dick {who has co?npleted his toilet). I'm going to run 
over to the art dealer's after breakfast. I had a jolly good 
dream last night. Maybe he's sold one of my pictures. 

Tom. Call me when breakfast is ready. [Exit, L. 

Har. You'd better wash the dishes, Dick. 

Dick (at table). Can't. Somebody's been using my dish- 
pan for a laundry. (Holds up pan, wash-board, etc.) 

Har. I'm guilty. I forgot all about the week's washing I 
did yesterday. Give me the pan. (Takes pan and exit, l. ) 

Dick (crossing to easel and removing cloth front picture). 
It doesn't look just right. I can't begin to do her justice. No 
living artist could do justice to that face. (Sighs.) I wonder 
if I'll ever meet her in real life. Amethyst, my dream girl 
Amethyst ! Awfully lucky I found that picture in the Sunday 
paper. Wouldn't have missed it for a king's fortune. (Takes 
newspaper picture of girl.) Just the one word Amethyst. 
I wonder if it's her real name. Too bad I couldn't make a 
better copy. Amethyst, I'll never go back to England until I 
see you, my ideal, my dream girl ! 

(Drops paper and replaces cloth on picture.) 

Enter La Lolita, from c d., noiselessly. She comes down 
behind Dick and puts her hands over his eyes. 

Lol. Guess who. 

Dick (turning). Lolita. I knew it was you. Awfully 
glad to see you this morning, and all that sort of thing. We 
haven't had breakfast yet. You're just in time. 

Lol. (dropping cloak and showing herself in full Spanish 
costume). You see, senor, I am all ready ! 

Dick. I don't think I'll do any work this morning. I have 
to go over to the art store. Maybe they've sold a picture. 

Lol. What is that? (Points to picture.) A new picture? 

Dick. That ? Oh, that's nothing. Just a little study from 
still life I've been working on. Some flowers and things. 

Lol. You paint flowers and things, when you might as well 
be painting me, Lolita. (Poses.) There ! How's that ? The 
Tambourine Girl ! 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS II 

Dick. Not this morning, Lolita. I'm not feeling very fit. 

Lol. (going to him). The seiior is sick ? My sefior sick ? 
Or is it that you have grown tired of your Lolita ? You are so 
cold, so distant, like the white fog of your own England. Why 
not be like the warm, loving sun of my Spain ? 

Dick. Now, Lolita, don't be sentimental. It's too early in 
the morning. 

Lol. (at a). Bah, that is the way ! You no longer care for 
poor Lolita. For months I have posed for you. You have 
made the grand pictures — The Spanish Gypsy, Inspiration, 
Havana, In Old Madrid, all great, grand pictures, and it was 
always I, La Lolita, who posed. And for why did I do it ? 

Dick. By Jove, I don't know. Why did you do it ? 

Lol. Was it for Sefior Tom and his silly stories ? Was it 
for Sefior Harry and his turn- turn on the piano ? No, my 
sefior, it was for you. For you, my Englishman. The grand 
sefior of the Three Musketeers. That is what you call your- 
selves, and I, alas, I am like poor leetla Treelby, and like poor 
leetla Treelby do I love in silence and suffer. 

Dick. Well, please don't love and suffer now. It's entirely 
too early in the morning to love and suffer. Besides I haven't 
had my breakfast yet. 

Enter John, from c. d., with loaf of very hard bread and 
quart bottle of milk. 

John. There's your breakfast, Mr. Chetwynd. 

{Slams packages on table.') 

Dick. Ah, yes. Thank you, John Patrick. 

John. Don't mention it. 

Dick. Milk and bread ! A feast for the gods. 

John. He's as bad as the other guy. Gee, these artists is 
awful nuts. [Exit, c d. 

Lol. (sitting at table). And now we shall have our nice 
little breakfast. {Opens bottle of milk.) 

Dick. Yes, all of us, four, you know. And what is left 
over we shall feed to the little dicky birds. 

Lol. {holding up paper sack containing o?ie egg). But see, 
sefior, see what I have brought my Englishman. 

Dick. What is it ? Currant buns ? 

Lol. One egg. (Gives it to him and goes up stage.) 

Dick. One egg, for the four of us. That will be lovely. 



12 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Enter Tom, from l. 

Tom. Hello, Lolita; how's the daylight? 
Lol. Cold, sefior, and dreary. Not like the sunshine of 
my glorious Spain. 

Enter Har. with three china cups. 

Har. There's the dishes. That's the last time I'm going 
to wash the dishes for a lazy Englishman. Take it from me. 
Greetings, Lolita. Sit down and have some breakfast. 

Dick. See what I've got. An egg for breakfast. 

Har. Stop ! This is too much. Save it for dinner. 

Tom. Draw up your chair, Lolita. 

Lol. I cannot eat. I have no appetite. When one loves, 
one cannot eat. 

Tom (at table). Don't you believe it. The harder I love 
the harder I eat. 

Har. {trying in vain to cut the bread}. Well, we won't 
starve to-day, at any rate. 

(Hammers bread and finally breaks it in three pieces. This 
is good comic business, but should not be unduly pro- 
longed.') 

Dick. I must hurry. I have a presentiment that the dealer 
has sold one of my pictures. 

Tom. Yes, you've had that same presentiment every morn- 
ing for the past four months. 

Har. Well, I can keep the wolf away from the door as 
long as I can play the piano at the movies. 

(All cat bread and milk. Lol. may go to piano and sing a 
pretty Spanish song, if desired.) 

E?iter Pandora Wood, from c. d. 

Pan. My maw sent me up here to tell youse guys that she 
wanted her rent. 

Tom. Oh, we are going to pay your mother next week. 
We were just speaking about it as you came in. 

Pan. Nix on that next week gag. We got some bills to 
pay and we need some real money. 

Har. I'm going down to the theatre, Pandora, to collect 
my salary. Tell your mother that I can let her have some 
money this afternoon. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 1 3 

Pan. I'll tell her what you said. But there's other parties 
after this room, and we need the money. 

Tom. Don't worry. We'll pay this afternoon. 

Pan. I'll tell maw. Maybe she'd better come up here 
herself, and you can spin your fairy tales to her. We need the 
money. [Exit, c. D. 

Lol. (has crossed to the covered picture at Pan.'s exit, 
removes cloth, looks at picture and gives piercing scream'). 
Ah ! {All look at her. ) Another model ! {Draws stiletto 
and starts toward Dick. She passes Tom, and is then caught 
by him and held.) He has another model ! Where is she? 
Who is she ? 

Dick. By Jove ! 

Har. Lolita, I am surprised. 

Tom. Yes, indeed, Lolita, we are all surprised. 

(Releases her.) 

Lol. She has yellow hair and blue eyes like a fish ! Who 
is she ? And you told me that it was only flowers and things. 

Dick. I don't know who she is. I've never seen her. 

Lol. Do you lie to me ? 

Dick. Certainly not. I saw a picture in a newspaper last 
Sunday and simply copied it in oil. See, here is the picture. 

(Shows newspaper.) 

Lol. Amethyst ! What a name ! Amethyst ! She is not 
beautiful. She has no soul, no temperament. You do not 
love her, my Englishman ? 

Dick. Certainly not. I've never even seen her. 

Lol. (restoring stiletto in sash). Very well. Lolita for- 
gives you. (Crosses to door.) But if you love another, let 
her beware. The daughters of Spain can love, my English- 
man, but they can also hate, they can also hate. 

[Dramatic exit, C D. 

Tom. Some little whirlwind is that Lolita. ( Goes to door 
and imitates her, in burlesque style.) The daughters of Spain 
can love, my Englishman, but they can also hate. Ha, ha ! 
Caramba ! 

Har. (looking at the newspaper). By George, she is a 
pretty girl, all right. Who is she ? 

Dick. Amethyst. That's all it said in the paper. 

Tow. (looking at painting). Some expression, that ! Great! 



14 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Dick. She is the most beautiful woman in all the world. 
She is my ideal ! The girl of my dreams. 

Har. (giving paper to Dick). Yes, but maybe you'll 
change your mind when you meet her in real life. You can't 
believe half you see in the . (Name local newspaper.) 

Tom. Come on, Harry, fix up the room. It's your turn to 
sweep. This room looks like a Kansas cellar. Get busy. 

Har. Can't do it, my boy. I'm on my way to the theatre 
to collect my seven dollars. [Exit, c. d. 

Dick (arranging room). I detest an untidy room, don't 
you know. We never have anything of this sort in old Eng- 
land. 

Tom (assisting him). That's right, old top, be patriotic. 
If a person has the misfortune to be born in England the least 
they can do is to praise her, fogs and all. 

Dick. Misfortune? Why, my boy, don't you know your 
geography ? England is the greatest country on earth. 

Tom. The greatest ? Dear boy, don't you know your his- 
tory? She might have been up to 1776, but she changed her 
mind that year, and it's been changed ever since. 

Enter Mrs. Wood with Bijah, Rosella, Pan. and John, all 
from c. 

Mrs. W. Good-morning, young men. 

Tom (stops sweeping). Why, it's Mrs. Wood. (Speaks as 
if delighted). Dick, it's Mrs. Wood. 

Dick (dusting chair and handing it to her ; she sits l., sur- 
rounded by childrefi). By Jove, so it is. Awfully good of 
Mrs. Wood. 

Mrs. W. I merely came up on a little business. 

Tom. Oh, say not so. We have so few callers, you know ; 
and they always seem to come on a little business. 

Dick (at r.). We hoped that you were making a friendly 
call. 

Mrs. W. No, I called about the rent. 

Tom (at a). The rent? Dick, she has called about the 
rent. 

Dick (at r.). Rent ? Where have I heard that word 
before ? 

Mrs. W. Four months at ten dollars a month makes forty 
dollars. 

Tom (counting on his fingers). Why, so it does. Just 
forty ; you're right, dear Mrs. Wood, just forty. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 15 

Mrs. W. And cheap at that. 

Dick {grandly). No doubt of it. No doubt of it at all. 

Mrs. W. All my other rooms I let furnished. But since 
you furnished this yourselves I gave you a reduction. 

Tom. Awfully good of you. Awfully good of Mrs. Wood. 

Mrs. W. But now I need the money 

Pan. Yes, we need the money. 

Mrs. W. Of course keeping roomers ain't the most pleas- 
ant thing in the world. 

Tom. No, 1 can well believe that. But being the lodgers 
of a charming lady like yourself is decidedly pleasant. 

Mrs. W. (smiling). Oh, Mr. Timmons ! 

Dick. I was saying to Tom only this morning how lucky 
we were to have such a charming landlady, wasn't I, Tom? 

John. Tie that bull outside. 

Mrs. W. It's a hard occupation, I say, and a lonesome. 
You don't realize how lonesome I get since Mr. Wood passed 
away. 

Tom (at a). Why don't you marry again ? 

Mrs. W. I have thought of it. In fact I've thought of it 
very frequently. 

Dick. Surely all you have to do is to take your choice. 

Mrs. W. Oh, Mr. Chetwynd ! 

Pan. And we need the money. 

Mrs. W. Hush, Pandora, a body can't get a word in edge- 
ways. Yes, gentlemen, I won't disguise the fact that I've been 
thinking of marrying again. Now, Mr. Timmons, you haven't 
made a success here in New York, have you ? 

Tom. Well, not a dazzling success. 

Mrs. W. (coyly). Why don't you get married ? 

Dick (coming to him). By George, that's right. Why 
don't you get married, Tom ? You'd make an ideal husband. 

Tom (aghast). Not me. You see my habits aren't settled 
yet. 

Pan. Neither is your board bill. 

Tom (pushing Dick betwee?i himself and Mrs. W.). But 
Dick here would make a wonderful husband. He has no bad 
habits — doesn't smoke, drink or chew. Doesn't swear or gam- 
ble. Goes to church every Monday, I mean every Sunday. 
And then he's such a handsome man ! Isn't he, Mrs. Wood ? 
Dick, it's high time that you married and settled down. 

Pan. And it's high time you settled up. We need the 
money. 



l6 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Mrs. W. (Jo her reprovingly). Pandora, I am astonished. 
{Turns to Dick.) Now, if I had a husband he could collect 
the rent and attend to all my business for me. It wouldn't be 
a hard job, and we would be so happy, so very, very happy. 

Tom. And Dick was saying only the other day that he 
wanted to be so very, very happy. 

Dick. No, I wasn't. It was Harry. Don't you remember? 
It was Harry. 

Tom. So it was. Why, of course it was Harry. 

Dick. And Harry is an extremely nice young man, Mrs. 
Wood ; we can both of us recommend Harry. 

Tom. And he likes you, Mrs. Wood ; really he's very fond 
of you. 

Dick. And Harry is so fond of children. Isn't he, Tom? 
If you and Harry should happen to make a match all your lit- 
tle splinters would have an ideal papa. 

Mrs. W. {rising). I'm sure I always thought Mr. Clive 
was a nice young man. But about the rent 

Tom. Harry will be back presently. You had better see 
him. 

Dick. Yes. He's the treasurer of our little household. 
You must see Harry. 

Mrs. W. (moving toward door). Really, young man, I 
can't let this bill run on much longer — 

Tom. Certainly not. But, Mrs. Wood, wouldn't it be odd 
if you and Harry really did make a match of it ? 

Dick. Then we wouldn't have to pay any rent at all. 

Mrs. W. He has such lovely eyes. I always did think that 
Mr. Clive had the sweetest eyes. 

Tom {quickly). He has. He's awfully good-looking. Next 
to me, he's the best looking of all of us. And steady, too. 
Harry's got a job. Seven dollars a week at the movies. 

John. Oh, maw, will he let us in free ? 

Dick. Of course he will. Any time you like. 

Mrs. W. {at door a). What time will Mr. Clive be in? 

Tom. We're looking for him every minute. 

Dick. He was telling me only the other day that he wanted 
to settle down. Really, Mrs. Wood, you should have a heart- 
to-heart talk with Harry. 

Mrs. W. I'll do it. I'll do it this very morning. Come, 
children, the gentlemen don't want to be disturbed. 

Tom {opening door and bowing low). Allow me ! 

Dick [bowing low at other side of door). And allow me I 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 1 7 

(The children exeunt, c. d. Mrs. W. turns and speaks.) 

Mrs. W. Oh, I hope you won't think that I have been un- 
maidenly in this ? That I have been too bold ? 
Tom. Not at all. 
Dick. How could we ever think that of you ? 

£ 0M ' 1 Dear Mrs. Wood ! 
Dick, j 

Mrs. W. When he comes in tell him that I shall return 
anon. [Exit, c 

Tom {wiping forehead). Whew ! Some work that ! 

Dick. Bally good joke we've played on Harry, don't cher 
know. 

Tom. He'll never listen to it for a minute. We might as 
well begin to hunt for new rooms. 

Dick. Cheer up. Maybe I've sold a picture. I'm going 
down to the art store now. Come along ? 

Tom. No, I've got to wait for the major. Good luck, old 
man. 

Dick. Thanks. Same to you. [Puts on hat and exit, c 

Tom {putting on apron and beginning to sweep). Got to get 
straightened up before the major comes. The last time we 
swept was in July, on the 4th. And I thought that would last 
till Thanksgiving. {Sweeps vigorously, raising dust. Enter 
Major Morann from c d. Tom sings as he sweeps dirt right 
at Maj.) I'm on my way to Mandalay 

Mat. What are you trying to do ? Choke me to death 
with dust? (Coughs.) 

Tom (dropping broom). Uncle ! Major, don't you know 
me? I'm Tom. 

Maj. I thought you were the hired girl. 

Tom {shaking hands). This is just like old times. Come 
in and sit down. (Maj. starts to sit.) Not there. That 
chair is broken. Well, well, I'm glad to see you ! 

Maj. {looking around). So this is where you live, is it? 

Tom. This is it. This is the castle. Welcome to Bohemia. 

Maj. Candidly speaking, Tom, don't you think that you 
are a very foolish young man ? 

Tom. Candidly speaking, I do not. 

Maj. You have left my home for a mere whim to come here 
to the city and starve in a garret. (Rises.) 

Tom. We don't starve. That is, not quite. 

Maj. When I was your age I had a little sense. 



l8 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

{Starts to sit at L., on chair where Dick has placed the egg 
in the paper sack.) 

Tom. Hold on, Major, don't sit on the dinner. 

Maj. {taking sack in hand). Rather a light dinner, isn't it ? 

Tom {taking out egg). Egg-zactly. 

Maj. {sitting at l.). Well, sir, are you ready to confess 
your folly and return to Kokomo ? 

Tom. I believe I'm ready to return to Kokomo. 

Maj. I suppose you have not found story writing very 
remunerative here in the city. 

Tom {proudly). I've been here a year and have earned over 
seventeen dollars. 

Maj. Come home, my boy, come home; we'll make an 
editor out of you. A man who can live on seventeen dollars a 
year in New York would be an ideal editor in Kokomo, In- 
diana. The first thing you have to do is to get married. 

Tom. That's just what the widow said. 

Maj. The widow ? What widow ? 

Tom. The Widow Wood. 

Maj. I haven't the least doubt of it. Every widow I ever 
knew would — {pause) get married if she could. I don't like 
widows. 

Tom. Neither do I. Especially this one. She is over forty 
and has four little shavings. 

Maj. You'll be surprised when you see Kokomo. 

Tom. Every one is surprised when they see Kokomo. 

Maj. There's a new rubber plant there that employs seven 
hundred men. I tell you the town is waking up. The 
daughter of the late Bullamy K. Lake has her summer home in 
Kokomo now. She is worth eighty thousand dollars and I am 
her guardian. 

Tom. Ah, ha ! 

Maj. An only child. She's here in New York with her 
aunt. 

Tom. Good looking ? 

Maj. Who, the aunt? A perfect dream, my boy, a per- 
fect dream. 

Tom. Not the aunt, the heiress ! Is she a dream, too ? 

Maj. What can you expect with eighty thousand dollars ? 
The earth ? 

Tom. I understand your evasion. Some side-show freak, I 
suppose. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS I9 

Maj. Nothing of the sort. She's a beautiful young lady. 
Very, very beautiful. You shall judge for yourself. She's 
down- stairs in a taxi. 

Tom. Down-stairs ? What is she doing here ? 

Maj. Slumming. I'm showing her the sights of the town. 

Tom. But I can't go down dressed like this. 

Maj. Why in thunder are you wearing full dress clothes in 
the morning ? I see it all ; you're a waiter. 

Tom. Nothing like it. I dressed up like this — (hesitating) 
I dressed up like this to have my picture taken. For you, you 
know. 

Maj. And where are your shoes ? 

Tom. My shoes ? {Looks at foot.') Oh, yes, my shoes. 
There's one. I can't wear the other one this morning. Sore 
foot, you know, awfully sore foot. Gout, I think. 

Maj. Well, you go in that room there and put on your 
other suit and your shoes. I want you to meet the heiress. 
What a wife she would make ! Eighty thousand dollars, my 
boy, don't forget that ! Now, go and put on your other suit. 

Tom. All right, uncle. 

Maj. Don't keep us waiting. [Exit, c. 

Tom. Put on my other suit. {Takes pajamas from drawer 
and holds them up.) My other suit. Nothing doing. Noth- 
ing doing. Now, if I only had another shoe and a coat. 
(Slips off dress coat.) I might try this. (Slips on pajama 
coat.) Quick change from a waiter to a barber. (Puts on 
dress coat again.) I'll have to stay in that room until they go. 
Maybe I can peep through the keyhole. 

[Exit, L., and closes door after him. 

Maj. (heard outside a). This is the place. Whew, what 
an awful climb. (Opens door c.) 

Enter Mrs. Ballou from c. d., very much exhausted. She 
comes down l. and sinks in chair, fanning feebly. Enter 
Amethyst Lake from c. d. She looks around in wonder 
and then comes down r., staring around in evident dis- 
taste at the untidy appearance of the room. Enter Maj. 
puffing and blowing. He comes down c. and sits trying 
to get his breath. Pause. 

Mrs. B. (after pause). Five flights up. (Breathes hard.) 
Five flights. I'm overcome, simply overcome. 

Maj. Whew, it's awful ! What a climb that was. 



20 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Ame. I didn't mind it. I came up on high speed ; you 
used the clutch. 

Mrs. B. (looking around through eye-glasses). What a 
wretched place ! Surely your nephew doesn't live in this hole ? 

Mat. Yes, he does. He's trying to be a Bohemian. Been 
living in New York over a year and has only earned seventeen 
dollars. 

Ame. How very fascinating. That is really Bohemian. 
How to live on seventeen dollars a year, and this is the answer. 

(Gesture with both hands, referring to surroundings.) 

Mrs. B. I am sure it isn't sanitary. 

Ame. Oh, auntie, look ! Here's a picture. He must be 
an artist. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst, don't look at it. I positively forbid 
you. If this is Bohemia, Heaven only knows what is under- 
neath that curtain. 

Ame. Does your nephew paint, Major ? 

Maj. (at C.). Oh, I wouldn't be surprised. He started out 
as a story writer, but one never knows where an artistic temper- 
ament may lead. 

Mrs. B. Look at that table. Major Morann, is this place 
perfectly proper ? 

Maj. Oh, perfectly, I assure you. 

Mrs. B. It may be, but still I have my doubts. I am sure 
it isn't sanitary. 

Ame. I think it is perfectly dear. It's so Bohemian. 

Mrs. B. It may be Bohemian, Amethyst, but goodness 
knows it isn't clean. There's nothing like this in Kokomo. 

Maj. You're quite right, Mrs. Ballou, quite right. 

Mks. B. Amethyst, don't you dare to look at that picture. 

Ame. Just one little peep, auntie. (Takes off cloth.) Oh, 
why, it isn't shocking at all. (Looks closer.) Auntie! Major! 
Look, it's my picture ! 

Mrs. B. Your picture ? Impossible. 

Ame. But it is. I guess I know my own picture when I 
see it. 

Mrs. B. A mere likeness. Why, the young man has never 
seen you. 

Maj. (looking at picture). There certainly is a remarkable 
resemblance. 

Ame. And see, here is the name. Amethyst. I'm quite 
sure there's no one else named Amethyst. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 21 

Mrs. B. {looking at picture). How very extraordinary ! 

Ame. It's copied from last Sunday's paper. He's copied 
my picture. How very exciting ! And it's perfectly lovely, 
isn't it ? 

Mrs. B. It seems to flatter you a little bit, I think ; espe- 
cially around the nose. 

Ame. But where is your nephew, Major ? I thought you 
said he was here. 

Ma j. He'll be in presently. 

Mrs. B. He's been having breakfast. And such a break- 
fast ! 

Ame. He must be awfully poor, isn't he ? 

Maj. He's lived in New York a year, and has earned 
seventeen dollars. 

Ame. (sitting at desk). Do you know what I am going to 
do ? I'm going to buy that picture. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst, don't be foolish. How do you know 
the price ? 

Ame. {writing check). I am going to leave him a check 
for five hundred dollars. If it is worth more, he can deliver 
the picture to me and collect the rest. I'll just make the check 
payable to bearer. 

Mrs. B. There seems to be nothing here but a single egg. 
Only fancy ! 

Maj. Oh, Tom always was a light eater. 

Ame. He is starving in a garret. Alone in New York. 
Isn't it pitiful ? I'm going down-stairs to the shop below and 
get that boy a breakfast. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst ! Why, I never heard of such a thing. 

Maj. Good ! I'll go with you. 

Mrs. B. Utterly preposterous. 

Ame. We'll get a chicken salad and some fruit and cake 
and sandwiches, and some olives and cold roast beef and a big 
bottle of wine — two big bottles of wine ! Come along, Major ; 
we'll play the fairy godmothers. 

Maj. But your aunt 

Ame. Oh, never mind auntie. She'll change her mind. 
Here, I'll pin the check on the corner of the picture. Now for 
the feast ! Come on ! 

Maj. But my dear Miss Lake 

Ame. {grabbing him by arm and whirling him to door). 
Oh, don't stop to think, but hurry before he comes back. 

[Exit, dragging Maj. out c. 



22 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Mrs. B. That girl will be the death of me, I'm sure. I 
certainly will be relieved when we are back in Kokomo next 
week. Another month in New York and I would be a wreck, 
a positive wreck ! (Sits at r.) 

Enter Tom, from l. Wears one full dress pump and one 
white tennis shoe. He comes down l., not seeing Mrs. B. 

Tom. Well, I suppose they've gone. And I didn't even 
get a peep at the heiress. 

Mrs. B. (rising). Good-morning. 

Tom (astonished). Suffering seeds ! Good-morning. 

Mrs. B. (going toward him with hand outstretched). You 
are Mr. Timmons, aren't you ? I knew you right away by 
your resemblance to your uncle. 

Tom (backing toward l. ). Yes, ma'am. I'm Tom Tim- 
mons. But you must excuse me. I have a sick friend in 
there. Awfully sick. He's got the cholera or something. 
It's quite dangerous. 

Mrs. B. {alarmed). The cholera ? Dangerous? 

Tom. Awfully. We've been in quarantine for six months. 

Mrs. B. (getting parasol). 1 shall go at once. 

Tom. I think I hear him calling for me. In delirium, you 
know; he just raves all the time. You'll excuse me, won't 
you ? (Backs out l.) 

Mrs. B. Heavens ! I'll be infected, I know. Oh, why did 
I ever allow the major to bring me to this awful place ? 

Enter ~L.OL.,from CD. 

Lol. Pardon, senora, I did not know there was company. 

Mrs. B. I am waiting for the major. We are visiting Mr. 
Timmons. You are (Pause.) 

Lol. I am La Lolita, the most beautiful woman in all New 
York. 

Mrs. B. Indeed, and what are you doing here? Don't 
you know that there's cholera in this house? 

Lol. Cholera? {Laughs.) It wasn't here a few minutes 
ago. I am here because it is my business to be here. I am 
the senor's model. 

Mrs. B. His model ? Shocking, positively shocking. 

Enter Ame. and Maj,, from C. D. 

Ame. We've ordered a gorgeous breakfast sent up. The 
poor young man will have something to eat at last. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 23 

Lol. 'Tis she, the original of that painting. Are you his 
new model ? Are you going to steal his love away from poor 
Lolita? 

Ame. I wonder what she is talking about ? 

Mrs. B. Something improper, I'm sure. Come, we must 
not stay in this place a single moment. It's quarantined. 

Ame. But I want to see the man who painted my picture. 

Enter Har., c. d. 

Har. Oh, I beg your pardon. 

Mat. We are waiting for Mr. Timmons. He is my nephew. 

Har. I am Harry Clive. We room together. 

Maj. I am Major Morann. Mrs. Ballou, Mr. Clive. 
Miss Lake, Mr. Clive. 

Lol. {crossing to door, a). I go, but I shall return. You 
shall not win him away from me. I shall still be his Lolita. 

[Exit, c. 

Ame. (shaking hands with Har.). What an odd girl. 

Har. (gazing into her eyes). Isn't she? She's a model. 

Ame. I'm afraid she wouldn't be considered a model in 
Kokomo. 

Har. (retaining her hand). Are you from Kokomo? 

Mrs. B. Amethyst ! (Har. drops her hand.) We must 
be going. I told you that we were in danger. Positive 
danger. 

Maj. Danger ? 

Mrs. B. We've all been exposed to the cholera. 

All. The cholera ? 

Mrs. B. We must see a doctor at once. I'll explain when 
we're in the taxi. Oh, Major, why did you ever bring me to 
this place ? [Exit. 

Ame. Good-bye. I'm awfully sorry she's in such a hurry. 

Har. Sorry is not the word. It's the tragedy of my life. 

Ame. You say the nicest things. If you ever come to 
Kokomo I'll be awfully pleased to see you again. 

Har. When does the next train leave for Kokomo ? 

Mrs. B. (appearing in door). Amethyst! \ Exit, c. 

Ame. Coming, auntie. [Exit, c. 

Maj. What's she talking about? There's no cholera in 
New York. 

Har. Never heard of any. Haven't the least idea what 
she means. 

Enter Tom. from l. 



24 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Ma j. Well, did you see her ? 

Tom. You bet I saw her. I talked to her. 

Maj. A wonderful girl, isn't she? 

Tom {sarcastically). Yes — she isn't. She was a girl when 
Lincoln was president. 

Maj. Nonsense. My ward is an heiress with eighty thousand 
dollars. 

Tom. The game is off. I wouldn't marry her for a hundred 
and eighty thousand. 

Maj. What's that, sir? I suppose she isn't good enough 
for you ? 

Tom. She may be good enough, but with her age and her 
face she ought to be good. But as for my marrying her, why, 
good-night ! 

Maj. Then you won't come back with me to Kokomo and 
do as I bid you ? 

Tom. I won't marry her. I'd rather stay here and marry 
the Widow Wood, with her four little splinters. 

Maj. Stay, then ! {Dramatically.') I'm done with you. 
I cast you off. But when you come to your senses, don't ap- 
peal to me. I've done with you. Done with you, sir, forever. 

(Stamps to c. D.) 

Tom. But, uncle 

Maj. Done with you forever. 

[Exit, C. D., melodramatically. 

Har. (who has been sitting down R. as if in a dream). I 
wonder where I've seen her before. I could swear that we 
have met before. 

Tom. Who ? You and the old lady ? 

Har. Old? She wasn't old. 

Tom. About fifty. 

Har. Fifty, your grandmother ! She wasn't twenty. And 
a dream, if I ever saw one. Say, Tom, how far is Kokomo 
from here ? 

Tom. About a thousand miles. I used to live there when 
I was a kid. 

Har. She lives there. She told me to look her up. 

Tom. Good boy. She's worth eighty thousand dollars, if 
you can stand the face. 

Har. She is the loveliest creature in all the world. 

Tom. Gray hair and nose-glasses. 

Har. Nonsense. You're thinking about the aunt. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 25 

Tom. Was there another ? 

Har. You better believe there was. And she was some 
damson plum, take it from me. 

Tom. I've been hoodwinked. I must find my uncle and 
tell him that I've made a mistake. {Runs to door c.) Give 
me your hat. I can't let that eighty thousand escape. 

[Quick exit y c. d. 

Har. (counting money). Nearly ten dollars. That ought to 
take me nearly to Kokomo. I'll sell my share in the furniture. 
Then, ho, for Kokomo. 

Enter Mrs. W.,/rom c. d. 

Mrs. W. (coming mincing down c, coughing gently to at- 
tract Har.'s attention). Hem ! 

Har. Mrs. Wood ! So glad to see you. Sit down. 

(Gets her a seat.) 

Mrs. W. Thank you, Mr. Clive. (Sits.) Won't you sit 
down, too? (He complies.) Isn't this nice and cozy ? Just 
you and me. Just like home. 

Har. Oh, yes. Awfully nice and cozy. 

Mrs. W. I came about the rent. It's forty dollars now. 

Har. Yes, so it is. But you must see Dick. Dick is our 
treasurer. Unfortunately he's gone down-town to sell some 
pictures. 

Mrs. W. I did see him, and he referred me to you. 

Har. (rubbing chin). Oh, he did, did he? Well, I'm aw- 
fully sorry, Mrs. Wood, but I've lost my job. 

Mrs. W. Oh, don't let that worry you. There's other 
things, you know. 

Har. Yes, I believe there are. 

Mrs. W. Now about that money 

Har. (interrupting). Now, my dear Mrs. Wood 

Mrs. W. Am I your dear Mrs. Wood ? Do you really 
mean it ? 

Har. Of course I do. 

Mrs. W. Then we will say nothing more about the rent. 
If you want to marry and settle down, I am sure I can make 
you very, very happy. 

Har. What ! But this is so very sudden. (Pause.) 
You see, I've never thought of marrying. I am so young. 

Mrs. W. That makes no difference. You will grow older 



26 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

in time. Mr. Tom and Mr. Dick both said that you were very, 
very fond of me. 

Har. (quickly). Oh, I am; I am. 

Mrs. W. And they said that you just loved the children. 
My four little angels are the idols of the neighborhood. 

Har. That's just the point. I'm not fond of children, at 
all. In fact, I abominate them. I never could marry a widow 
with children. Much as I cared for her, I have to say no, 
even though my poor heart were breaking. 

Mrs. W. (rising). Then your intentions weren't serious? 

Har. Not in the least. 

Mrs. W. Then I'll trouble you for them forty dollars im- 
mediate, or out you go. (Crosses angrily to door c.) 

Har. (following her). But, Mrs. Wood, my dear Mrs. 
Wood ! 

Mrs. W. Them words is final. Out you go. 

[Exit, and slams the door. 

Har. I can see our finish now. I know what I'm going to 
do. I'm going to pack my things, sell my share of the furni- 
ture, and take the next train to Kokomo. [Exit, l. 

Enter Lol. stealthily. 

Lol. She has gone. I see it all. He no longer cares for 
his poor Lolita. She has stolen him from me. She with her 
yellow hair and eyes blue like a fish. Bah ! (Crosses to 
picture.) And now he paints her picture when once he painted 
mine. (Draws curtain away from picture.) A study in still 
life — flowers and things — that's what he said. He lied to me ! 
My Englishman lied to me, and all for her sake. (Draws 
stiletto.) He shall never look upon his Amethyst again. 
(Slashes picture and tears it from frame.) Then he will for- 
get her and Lolita shall reign supreme in his heart. (Draws 
cloth over frame.) Now, I have had my revenge. I have had 
my revenge ! (Crosses to c. d.) This afternoon he will return 
to me and my triumph will be complete. [Exit, c, quickly. 

Enter Har., from l. 

Har. (with suit case). I guess I've got all my belongings, 
so it's fare-thee-well, little old New York. The White Way 
will have to go on shining without me. Bohemia will be 
draped in mourning, for henceforth I illumine the streets of 
Kokomo, Indiana. 

Enter Tom, c. d. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 2] 

Tom. Hello, what are you all packed up for ? 

Har. I'm leaving New York. I got fired from the picture- 
show and I'm going out west to teach the rustics how to dance 
the tango. Did you see your uncle ? 

Tom. No. I forgot to ask him his hotel. I couldn't find 
him. But I'm going to leave this afternoon for the old home 
town. It's me for Kokomo. 

Har. Kokomo ? Are you going to Kokomo ? 

Tom. You'd better believe I am. 'Mid pleasures and 
palaces there's no place like home. 

Har. But you shouldn't leave old New York. There's a 
glorious future ahead of you, Tom. 

Tom. My glorious future will be won in Kokomo, not New 
York. 

Har. But you have always said it was a rotten town. 

Tom. I meant New York. Kokomo is the only place on 
the map. I'm going to pack my grips and be on my way. 
Say, you couldn't lend me a pair of shoes, could you? 

Har. Awfully sorry. I've only got one pair. 

Tom. I know what I'll do. I'll borrow a pair from Dick. 

[Exit, l. 
Enter Dick, from c. d. 

Har. Hello, Dick ! What luck ? Sell any pictures ? 

Dick. Not one. {Sits down r.) It's no use, Harry, I never 
was cut out for an artist. (Sees note that Ame. pinned on pic- 
ture framed) What's this ? (Opens it and reads.) " To the 
man who painted my picture : Enclosed please find a check for 
#500.00 for the picture. Please deliver it this afternoon to the 
Astoria, or send it by express to Kokomo, Indiana. If $500.00 
isn't enough write to me and I will pay whatever you ask. 
Sincerely yours, Amethyst Lake, Kokomo, Indiana." 

Har. Amethyst Lake ! So that's her name. 

Dick. She's been here ? The ideal of my dreams ? And 
I wasn't here to meet her. (Rushes across to door, l.) I've 
found her at last. 

Har. Where are you going ? 

Dick. Going ? I'm going to Kokomo, Indiana. [Exit, l. 

Enter Mrs. W. and the four children, all bearing dishes, etc., 
of food, fruit, bottles of wine, etc. 

Mrs. W. The storekeeper sent these things up here, 
Har. There must be a mistake, 



28 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Mrs. W. Not at all. They are for you young men. 
Har. But we didn't order them. 

Mrs. W. Oh, no ; they were ordered and paid for by Miss 
Amethyst Lake. The storekeeper said so. 

Enter Tom, from l., with grip, etc. 

Tom. What's all this ? 

Pan. (arranging food on table). It's grub. And believe 
me, it's some feast. 

Mrs. W. Perhaps you gents can oblige me with that forty 
dollars before you go out. 

Tom. Sorry. You'll have to call to-morrow. 

Enter Dick, from l., with grips. 

Mrs. W. I'll not come to-morrow. You pay me my forty 
dollars or out you go this minute. John Patrick, call a police- 
man. 

Dick. Hold on a minute ! 

Mrs. W. Well, sir, perhaps you can pay me my little bill. 

Dick. You better believe I can. What's a mere sum like 
forty dollars to a bunch of millionaires who have five hundred 
dollars ? 

Tom {astonished). You've sold a picture. 

Dick. You bet I have. I've sold Amethyst. Here's a 
check for five hundred dollars. 

Pan. Good. We need the money. 

Har. And look at the lunch ! Come on, everybody. 
{All sit at table.) Mrs. Wood, come and join us in a little 
farewell party. Sit here. 

Mrs. W. Farewell ? Then you're going away ? 

Har. Yes, we're going to Kokomo. 

Mrs. W. And I thought you wanted to marry me. 

Har. We've been parted — parted by fate and a pair of 
blue eyes. Gentlemen, a toast ! To Amethyst and Kokomo. 

All {holding up glasses). To Amethyst and Kokomo. 

{All are busy eating. ) 
Tom. Well, we don't need this furniture any longer. 

{Breaks several small pieces of furniture.) 
Dick. Certainly not. We're millionaires now. 
{Breaks furniture.) 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 2Q 

John. Hurray, we'll have a regular circus. 
(Breaks furniture.') 

Har. Dick, you have to stake Tom and me for the price 
of tickets. 

Dick. Tickets ? Why, where are you going ? 

Har. To Kokomo ! 

Dick (crossing to picture). Come, help me wrap up my 
masterpiece. (Takes off cloth.) Great heavens ! 

All. What is it ? 

Dick. The picture ! Ruined, ruined ! 

(Sinks in chair and buries face in hands.) 

Tom. And now who'll pay for the tickets ? 
Mrs. W. And who'll pay me my forty dollars ? 
Pan. We need the money ! 

(Dick seated down r. near picture ; Har. stands at r. c. 
looking at him ; Tom in c. with pockets turned inside out ; 
Mrs. W., l. C, and children at l.) 

Tom. And the train for Kokomo leaves at two-thirty. 



CURTAIN 



ACT II 

SCENE. — The lawn at Lakemont. Exterior setting with 
wood wings. Palms and potted plants up L. and up r. 
Plants with pots covered arranged in beds on stage. Grass 
mats, natural leaves, etc., scattered over stage. Natural 
boughs tacked on wings and overhanging stage give a good 
effect of a grove. Fancy stone wall with opening in centre 
may run across stage at rear. If this is used boughs may 
be attached back of it to add to the gefieral effect. This wall 
is not essential. Elaborate set house inay be down L. This 
adds to the stage effect, but is not essential. Lights 071 full 
throughout the act. Bright music to take up the curtain. 
Small rustic garden table down r. with two rustic chairs 
r. and L. of table. Rustic be?ich down l. 

(Mrs. B. discovered seated at table down R. She is reading 
a cable message. When the curtain is well tip, she looks 
up from message, the?i rings small hand-bell on table. 
After a momenf s pause Whimper enters from l. and 
comes respectfully C. waiting for her orders.) 

Mrs. B. Has the second floor suite been arranged for his 
lordship, Whimper? 

Whim. Yes, Mrs. Ballou. 

Mrs. B. Tell Jordan to have the limousine around in 
twenty minutes. Amethyst and I will drive over to meet Lord 
Richard. 

Whim. Yes, Mrs. Ballou. {Starts to r.) 

Mrs. B. Just a moment, Whimper. Where is Amethyst? 

Whim. She's out riding, Mrs. Ballou. With Mr. Clive. 

Mrs. B. Has she been gone long ? 

Whim. About half an hour. 

Mrs. B. That will do. 

Whim. Yes, Mrs. Ballou. [Exit, r. 

Mrs. B. I must put a stop to this Mr. Clive. Nobody 
knows anything about him, and Amethyst is becoming far too 
fond of his society. Just because he was the companion of 
the major's nephew in New York is no reason why he should 
be socially received in this house. Dear Lord Richard might 
30 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 3 1 

not like it. He is the man of men for Amethyst. A son of 
the Earl of Amberley, and one of the oldest families in London. 
{Rises.) I hope everything has been arranged in his room. 
The nobility are so particular. {Crosses L.) I must see to it 
myself. A real, live lord at Lakemont. I fancy that will make 
Kokomo sit up and take notice. [Exit, l. 

(Laughter and conversatio?i heard off stage at R. Then 
enter Ame. followed by Har. Both in riding costume. 
They come down C.) 

Ame. We made it in twenty minutes. I told you we could 
do it. The villagers must have thought a tornado was passing. 

Har. A bit dusty, wasn't it ? 

Ame. I don't mind the dust. The ride was glorious. 

Har. And so was the company. 

Ame. I had to laugh at Mrs. Ronald at the country club. 
She actually asked me if we were engaged. Funny, wasn't it ? 

Har. Would it seem funny to be engaged ? 

Ame. Of course it would. 

Har. I don't think so. I always take things like that 
seriously. 

Ame. I don't. Engagements are a joke. And I know ; 
I've been engaged six times. 

Har. And would it seem funny if we were engaged ? 

Ame. Certainly it would. Who ever heard of a girl be- 
coming engaged to a man who has never even asked her 
permission ? 

Har. Amethyst, ever since that day I saw you in the 
garret in New York three months ago 

Enter Mrs. B.,/rom l. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst, I've been looking everywhere for you. 

Ame. Well, here I am. 

Har. Yes, here we both are. 

Mrs. B. Why, Mr. Clive, I didn't see you. How do 
you do ? 

Har. (at r.). Quite well, thank you. 

Mrs. B. Aren't you working for the major any more ? 

Har. Oh, yes; yes, indeed. This is Saturday. Always 
take a half- holiday on Saturday, you know. 

Mrs. B. Where is the major, Amethyst ? 

Ame. Haven't seen him since lunch. 



32 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Mrs. B. I have just had a cablegram. A most important 
cablegram. I want to see the major at once. Oh, Mr. Clive, 
are you going down -town ? 

Har. Down-town? Oh, yes. I was just starting down- 
town. 

Mrs. B. Are you going to the office ? I see you are. 
Well, please tell the major to come home at once. I need him 
right away. It is most important. Thank you so much. 

Har. Oh, don't mention it. 

Ame. Be sure and come back at four, Harry. We are to 
practice for the tennis tournament. 

Har. I won't forget. Good-bye. [Exit, r. 

Mrs. B. (at l. a). You called him Harry. 

Ame. {at a). That's his name. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst, what does this mean ? 

Ame. Nothing at all. It only means that I called him 
Harry. And why shouldn't I call him Harry? 

Mrs. B. He might misconstrue such familiarity. Ame- 
thyst, you must not give this Mr. Clive any false encourage- 
ment. You positively must stop flirting. 

Ame. I'm not flirting. We're awfully good friends, that's 
all. I like Harry Clive better than any man I have ever been 
engaged to. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst ! (Pause.') You're not engaged to 
Mr. Clive? 

Ame. I don't know. You came in so suddenly that I 
didn't have time to find out what he was going to say. 

Mrs. B. This is preposterous. What will the major say ? 

Ame. What difference does that make? 

Mrs. B. But we know nothing whatever about this Mr. 
Clive. He may be a mere heiress hunter for all we know. 
Who are his people? What are his connections? 

Ame. I don't know and I don't care. He is a gentleman, 
a perfect gentleman. That is sufficient. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst ! (Pause.) You are becoming posi- 
tively democratic. 

Ame. Now, auntie, don't let us argue. It's too hot to 
argue. 

Mrs. B. You must not forget your position, my dear. We 
know positively nothing about this Mr. Clive. We only know 
that he lived in a garret in New York with Tom Timmons. 
And a most disreputable place it was ! Positively unhygienic ! 
Oh, why did I ever permit the major to take us to that misera- 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 33 

ble hole? New York, indeed ! I never want to see it again. 
And this Mr. Clive came from there. Shocking, positively 
shocking ! 

Ame. {with spirit). Mr. Clive is one of my best friends, 
Aunt Harriet. He has only been in Kokomo three months, 
and just see what a good impression he has made. The major 
says he is one of the best office men he has ever had. 

Mrs. B. But he is a mere nobody, my dear. Not an aris- 
tocrat at all. 

Ame. He is an American gentleman, and that is better than 
all the aristocrats on earth. 

Mrs. B. I can't imagine where you get such ideas. You 
must be very careful about expressing such notions in front of 
Lord Chetwynd. I'm sure he would not approve of such 
democratic ideas. 

Ame. If Lord Richard Chetwynd doesn't approve of my con- 
versation or my ideas he can pack his grips and return to London. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst ! 

Ame. I mean it. I care nothing for Lord Chetwynd or his 
opinions. 

Mrs. B. But he comes from one of the oldest families in 
England. 

Ame. And I come from one of the newest in Indiana. So 
where's the difference? 

Mrs. B. I just received a cablegram from his mother, the 
Countess of Amberley. 

Ame. And what does the Countess say? 

Mrs. B. (reading message). " My son Richard will be 
with you to-day. Any courtesy shown him will be appreciated 
by Imogene Amberley." 

Ame. Awfully nervy, I think. We've never even seen this 
Lord Chetwynd, and to think of your inviting him here. 

Mrs. B. We have several friends in common. Mrs. Chives 
says he is a perfect dear. And just think what a sensation a 
real live lord will make here in Kokomo ! 

Ame. And why is he coming ? To see you ? 

Mrs. B. Don't be stupid, Amethyst. I am not an heiress. 
It's high time you were married ; haven't you ever thought 
about that ? 

Ame. Oh, yes ; every girl thinks about that all the time. 

Mrs. B. And how wonderful it would be if you should 
happen to marry a title. You might sign youi letters some day 
Amethyst, Lady Chetwynd. 



34 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Ame. I don't want to sign my letters Lady anybody. But 
for your sake I'll try to be nice to him. What did you say his 
name was? 

Mrs. B. Lord Chetwynd of Kent. One of the oldest fam- 
ilies in England. 

Ame. I hope he can play bridge and tennis. 

Enter Maj., from r., carrying large box of candy. 

Maj. Hello, sunshine. See what I've brought you. 

Ame. {taking box and opening it). Chocolates! Oh, you 
dear. I could kiss you. 

Mrs. B. Amethyst ! You are forgetting your age. You 
must remember that you are no longer a little girl. 

Maj. (ate). I got your message, Harriet. What is it? 

Mrs. B. (at l.). Lord Chetwynd is coming in on the after- 
noon train. You must go over to the station with us to wel- 
come him. 

Maj. An English lord, eh ? I suppose when he is in the 
house that I'll have to go to the bank and draw checks in order 
to breathe. 

Ame. You must be on your dignity, Major, and wear a full 
dress suit each evening after six. 

Maj. I won't do it. I won't wear one of those blamed 
swallow-tails every evening for the king of England. 

Mrs. B. Come, Amethyst, we must complete the arrange- 
ments. (Crosses to L.) 

Ame. Nell Gray telephoned that she was coming over. If 
you see her, Major, tell her to come up to my room. 

Mrs. B. You'd better wear your new white and blue. 

[Exit, l. 

Ame. I suppose I must. (Crosses to l.) I'm sure I'd rather 
have one nice, live American than twenty English lords. 

[Exit, l. 

Maj. (sitting on bench at l., and lighting cigar). I won't 
allow it. I won't permit Mrs. Ballou to marry that little girl 
to any titled foreigner. Don't like foreigners anyway. And 
besides, Amethyst is the girl of girls for that scapegrace nephew 
of mine. I have a notion to telegraph him to come home and 
marry her. (Rises.) I'll do it. (Sits again.) No, I won't. 
I'll wait till he apologizes to me for his conduct in New York. 

Enter Nell Gray, from r. 

Nell (coming down a). Good -afternoon, Major. 



s 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 35 

Maj. Why, Nellie, bless my soul, you're a sight for sore 
eyes. Honestly, you get prettier and prettier every day. I 
haven't seen you for a month. 

Nell. That's because you've been so busy at the office. 
You're neglecting us shamefully. I came over to play tennis. 
Where's Amethyst? 

Maj. Preparing for the English lord. 

Nell. Oh, he's coming to-day, isn't he ? Everybody in 
town is anxious to see what an English lord looks like. If he is 
like the pictures in the best sellers he must be about seven feet 
tall with shoulders three feet across. 

Maj. I suppose that's what he looks like. Amethyst says 
I'll have to wear dress clothes every night for supper, but I'm 
darned if I do it. I won't make a monkey of myself for all the 
English heiress hunters that ever crossed the pond. 

Nell. That's right. You are the lord of the castle. You 
do just as you please. 

Maj. You bet I will. No Englishman shall dictate 
to me. 

Nell {sitting on bench beside hint). Have you heard from 
Tom lately? 

Maj. Tom? Don't speak that name to me. He's the 
most obstinate young simpleton in America. I'm done with 
him forever. He's as stubborn as a mule. 

Nell (innocently). I wonder who he takes it after? 

Maj. Not after me. I'm as peaceful and gentle as a turtle 
dove when people do as I want them to. But he won't. And 
that's the reason he's starving in a garret in New York. 

Nell. Oh, Major, he isn't really starving, is he? 

Maj. He's mighty near it. I went to him like a gentle- 
man and implored him gently and calmly to come back here 
and marry and settle down. And what do you think he said ? 
He told me that he'd come back all right, but that he wanted 
to pick his own wife. 

Nell. You didn't object to that, did you ? 

Maj. Of course I did. I have a lady all ready picked out 
for him. He saw her and then had the impudence to tell me 
that he'd rather stay there in New York. Well, let him stay. 
Let him stay and starve ! 

Nell. And he is your only living relative. Oh, Major, 
how can you treat your only sister's son in such a manner ? He 
is no longer a boy, he is a man, and has a right to say whom he 
shall marry. 



36 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Maj. Tut, tut ! Nothing of the sort. If he expects to be 
reconciled to me, he must marry the lady of my choice. 

Nell. But maybe he is in love with some one else ! 

Maj. He must give her up. I wasn't unreasonable. No 
one can say that I am ever unreasonable. When people do as 
I want them to, I am as gentle as a spring lamb. 

Nell (rising). I think you have been too hard on Tom, 
Major Morann. 

Maj. Nonsense ! If he begs my pardon and is willing to do 
what 1 ask, he may return. Until then I am done with him 
forever. {Rises. ) 

Nell {staring at him defiantly). Then I think you're an 
obstinate, selfish, tyrannical old man. {Crosses to l.) And I 
hope he marries the girl he loves in spite of you. And I wish 
him all the luck in the world for he's a fine boy, Major 
Morann, and you know it, and you ought to be ashamed of 
yourself. [Exit, L. 

Maj. {looking after her). What a temper. I half believe 
that she's in love with Tom herself. 

Enter Whim., from r. 

Whim. Beg pardon, sir, but the limousine is ready. 

Maj. Oh, it is, is it ? Well, I don't want it. 

Whim. It was Mrs. Ballou's orders, sir. James is to drive 
the ladies over to the station to meet the nobleman, sir. 

Maj. I suppose the whole house has been renovated to 
please his lordship? 

Whim. Oh, yes, sir. He won't find anything wrong, sir. 

Maj. If he does, I suppose we can have it changed to his 
taste. 

Whim. If you please, sir, Mrs. Ballou said as how I was to 
act as your valet, sir, while his lordship was here. 

Maj. Act as my what ? 

Whim. As your valet. Attend to your costume and shav- 
ing, sir. 

Maj. Now see here, Whimper, I've dressed myself and put 
on my own shoes and socks for the past fifty years. I'm not 
going to have a valet at my time of life even to please Lord 
What's-his-name. 

Whim. Lord Chetwynd, sir. That's the name, sir. 

Maj. {crossing to l.). I don't want a valet. I'm old 
enough to take care of myself, and just you put that in your 
pipe and smoke it. Valet, bah ! [Exit, l. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 37 

Whim. The major may be very rich, but hawfully plebian, 
hawfully plebian. What will his lordship say ? 

{Music : " Home Sweet Home" played softly as Tom 
enters from r., slowly. He comes down R. c. slowly and 
looks around. Music stops. Take plenty of time for this 
entrance while Whim, is arranging pillows on bench 
down l.) 

Tom (to audience). This must be the place. All right, 
uncle, kill the fatted calf and bring on the heiress. The 
prodigal has returned. {Sees Whim.) Oh, look what has 
fallen off of the Christmas tree. {To Whim.) Good-morning, 
gentle sir. 

Whim, {turning and seeing Tom). Well, my good man, what 
can we do for you ? 

Tom. His good man ! You can give me a little informa- 
tion, if you please. 

Whim. Vagrants and tradespeople ain't allowed here in 
front. You'd better go around to the rear. 

Tom. Not me. You evidently don't know who I am. 

Whim. We don't want to buy anything to-day. 

Tom. And I don't want to sell anything. Is this Lake- 
mont ? 

Whim, (stiffly). It is. 

Tom. And may I ask if Major Morann is on the premises ? 

Whim. He is. But he is engaged for the present. You 
had better call at his office down-town. 

Tom. I think not. You see, I'm his nephew. 

Whim, {astonished). His nephew? 

Tom. Yours affectionately, Tom Timmons. 

Whim. Won't you come into the house, sir ? I am sure the 
major will see you. 

Tom. Yes, I rather thought he would. I'll wait out here. 
Be good enough to find him and tell him that little Tom is wait- 
ing here for him with open arms and without a cent in his 
pocket. 

Whim. Yes, sir. (Crosses to l.) Poor relations ! What- 
ever are we coming to ? [Exit, l. 

Tom. Had to beat my way to Kokomo on a freight like a 
common hobo. I hope the heiress isn't married yet. That 
would be the blow that most killed father. 

Enter Nell, from l., with book. 



38 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Nell. Are you looking for some one, my good man ? 

Tom. Now I'm her good man. This must be the heiress. 
Yes, ma'am, I am looking for my uncle, Major Morann. 

Nell (looking at him a moment and then approaching him 
with outstretched hand). Tom ! Tom ! 

Tom (shaking hands blankly). How do you do ? 

Nell. Don't you know me ? Have you forgotten me ? 

Tom. Well, I haven't exactly forgotten you, but I don't 
quite remember, that's all. Are you the heiress? 

Nell. Of course not. I'm Nell Gray. Don't you remem- 
ber ? We used to go to school together here at Kokomo. 

Tom. Nell Gray ? Little Nell Gray ? 

Nell. Well, I'm not as little as I used to be. 

Tom. I remember you. Indeed I do. Why, I used to be 
perfectly crazy about you. That was when I was nine. 

Nell. And I was seven. But I've never forgotten you. 
It seems awfully long ago. 

Tom. You used to wear your hair down in pigtails and I 
used to scrap with every kid who even looked at you. 

Nell. Yes. Ah, those were happy days. 

Tom. Remember the night I took you home from little 
Susie Milligan's party ? You were mad with me and went to 
the party with Teddy Blake, but we made up out in the moon- 
light by the lilac bush, and you ran away from Teddy and 
came home with me. 

Nell. I'm afraid that I was a very fickle little girl, Tom. 
Teddy and Susie have been married for seven years and now 
there's a little Teddy and two little Susies. 

Tom. And you used to write to me when I went to the 
military school. 

Nell. And you never answered my letters. 

Tom. I did for a while. 

Nell (sadly). Yes, for a while. And then you forgot. 
You forgot, and I — I waited for twelve years and you had for- 
gotten even my name. 

Tom. And now I'm back and find that you are prettier 
than ever. 

Nell. I'm so glad to see you again, Tom. I hope you will 
make up with your uncle, and do as he says. 

Tom. He wants me to get married. 

Nell. Yes ; he told me all about it. 

Tom. Do you think I should obey him in that ? 

Nell. If you care for the girl, yes. But if you don't, all 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 39 

the money in the world should not tempt you to marry her. 
What good would it do ? To live the rest of your life with a 
woman you didn't love, and all for a few thousand dollars. It 
would be better to marry the girl you love and earn the money 
yourself. 

Tom. The girl I love ? I don't believe I love any girl. 

Nell. Well, if that's the case, you'd better see Amethyst. 
She's a perfect dear and worth eighty thousand dollars, Tom. 
It's awful easy to fall in love with a girl who's worth eighty 
thousand dollars. 

Tom. Is it ? 

Nell. The easiest thing in the world. I know. 

Tom. Say, you aren't married or anything like that, are 
you ? 

Nell. Of course not. {Bitterly.) You see, I haven't 
eighty thousand dollars. 

Tom. You don't need it. I'll bet half the fellows in 
Kokomo are crazy about you. 

Nell. I'm not worrying about half the fellows in Kokomo. 
When the right man comes along, I'll be ready. But all the 
money in the world couldn't make me marry a man I didn't 
love. 

Tom. I believe you, Nell. Money wouldn't make any dif- 
ference to a girl like you. 

Nell. You'd better see your uncle at once. Go to him and 
patch up this silly quarrel. You are his only living relative, 
and he cares for you more than anything else on earth, in spite 
of his hasty temper. 

Tom. I'll do it. I'll go to him humbly and ask him for a 
job ; any little thing. Why, I'd be content with fifty dollars a 
week. 

Nell. He'll give it to you. Just see how fine he's been to 
your chum, Mr. Clive. 

Tom. Harry Clive ? Is he here in Kokomo ? 

Nell. Yes, and perfectly devoted to Amethyst. He comes 
here every day, and I think he's made quite an impression. 

Tom. The double-dyed deceiver ! 

Nell. Why, Tom ! 

Tom. He knew that I intended to marry Miss Lake, and 
yet he had the nerve to come here and try to beat my time. I 
didn't think it of Harry. Why, he must be a mere heiress 
hunter. 

Nell. And there are others. 



40 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Tom. Others ? 

Nell. Oh, yes. She has plenty of admirers. And an Eng- 
lish lord is coming this very afternoon. I'm going to the lake 
to read Tennyson. {Crosses to R.) I have an ideal, Tom, 
a high ideal. Please don't destroy it. It's all I have after 
twelve years, all I have. [Exit, r. 

Tom. I wonder what she meant by that. Nell Gray ! And 
I had forgotten all about her. Classy little girl, too. I wish 
she had eighty thousand dollars. It would be so very easy to 
fall in love with a girl like Nell. 

Enter Ame., from l., dressed in white. She comes to c. 

Ame. {looking at Tom, who is r. a). I beg your pardon. 

Tom. This is the girl. Miss Lake 

Ame. Yes, I am Miss Lake, my good man 

Tom. Now I'm her good man. 

Ame. What can I do for you ? Do you want anything ? 

Tom. Eighty thousand Oh, I beg pardon, I am wait- 
ing for my uncle. I am Tom Timmons, you know. 

Ame. {shaking hands). You are? I'm delighted to meet 
you. You know I called on you when we were in New York. 

Tom. So sorry I was out. 

Ame. Come into the house. I am sure the major will give 
you a hearty welcome. 

Tom. I'm not as sure as you are. I'd better wait out here. 

Ame. Have you brought the picture ? 

Tom. What picture ? 

Ame. My picture, of course. I've been telling every one 
here in Kokomo what a wonderful artist you are. They are 
just crazy to see my picture. I think it is perfectly dear. 

Tom. Oh, yes; it's dear all right. 

Ame. I knew you were a literary man, but I never dreamed 
you were such a wonderful artist. 

Tom. No, I never dreamed it myself. 

Ame. And it looked just like me. 

Tom. Not at all. No artists on earth could do credit to 
you. It was a mere daub. 

Ame. I didn't think so. That's why I left you the check 
for five hundred dollars. 

Tom. That picture was no good. I'll tell you what I'll do, 
I'll paint you another one. 

Ame. But I liked that one. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 4 1 

Tom. No good at all. That's why I came to Kokomo. 
Ame. Oh, I see. You came to return the five hundred. 

Tom {hesitating). Well, not exactly. You see, I 

Ame. And did you know that Mr. Clive was here ? Isn't 
it strange ? 

Tom. Oh, yes; awfully strange. 

Ame. Aren't you perfectly delighted ? He's such a dear. 
Tom. I don't believe he's as dear as you think he is. 
Ame. Here comes the major. 

Enter Maj., from l. He comes down l., meeting Tom, who 
is l. c. Ame. crosses to r. as Maj. enters. 

Maj. So, sir, you have returned ? 

Tom. Yes, dear uncle, I have returned. 

Maj. After that disgraceful scene in New York I hardly 
know how to receive you. 

Tom. I'll tell you. Receive me with open arms. 

Ame. Tell auntie that I'm waiting in the car, Major. 

[Exit, r. 

Maj. Have you decided to settle down ? (At c.) 

Tom. I have. In order to settle up. (At r. c.) 

Maj. What do you think of my ward ? 

Tom. She's a dream, uncle, a golden dream. An eighty 
thousand dollar dream. 

Maj. It is the wish of my life to see you two happily 
married. 

Tom. Barkis is willing. 

Maj. But I fear you have arrived too late. Your friend 
Harry Clive seems to have the inside track. He's a wonderful 
young man. 

Tom. Yes, uncle, I think he is. 

Enter Mrs. B., from l. She comes down l. 

Mrs. B. Come, Major, the limousine is waiting. The train 
will be in in ten minutes. 

Maj. Mrs. Ballou, this is my nephew, Tom. 

Mrs. B. How do you do? I believe I met you in New 
York. You told me you had the cholera. 

Tom. Well, I did have. But I got all over it a month ago. 

Mrs. B. And that young Spanish person we saw at your 
garret thaft morning? Have you married her ? 

Tom. Who, Lolita? Nothing doing — nothing doing ! 



42 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Maj. What's all this about a Spanish person ? 

Mrs. B. You remember her, don't you ? She came to the 
garret while we were there. She was looking for her sweet- 
heart. 

Maj. Oh, Thomas, Thomas ! 

Tom. She wasn't looking for me. I'm not the man. 

Mrs. B. The car is waiting, Major. We must not keep 
dear Lord Chetwynd in suspense. 

Maj. Go into the house, Tom, and tell Whimper to find 
you a room. We'll be back presently. 

Tom. Oh, don't worry about me. 

Mrs. B. Major ! [Exit, r. 

Maj. Yes, Mrs. Ballou, I am coming. (Crosses r.) Darn 
that Englishman ! I wish he had stayed in London. [Exit, r. 

Enter Whim., from l. 

Whim. Your room is all ready, sir. 

Tom. All right. Tell it I'll be there presently. 

Whim. Very good, sir. [Exit, l. 

Tom. Well, he didn't exactly receive me like a long lost 
son, but he didn't turn me down, and I'm thankful for small 
favors. When I marry Amethyst and take possession here, the 
first thing I'll do will be to fire that Whimper. 

Enter Har., from r. 

Har. (at r. a). Tom ! 

Tom (at l. a). Back, viper ; don't speak to me. So this 
is what you call friendship, is it ? This is the way you repay 
the many little kindnesses I let you do me, is it ? This is your 
gratitude. 

Har. What's the matter ? What have I done ? 

Tom. It isn't what you have done, it's what you are trying 
to do. You are trying to win my Amethyst away from me. 

Har. Your Amethyst? Why, you never set eyes on her 
before to-day. 

Tom. What difference does that make ? I have loved her 
madly, passionately for the past three months. 

Har. And so have I. Ever since that day I saw her in 
New York. 

Tom. Then it's war, is it ? 

Har. It is. War to the knife. 

Tom. And let the best man win. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 43 

Enter Nell, from r. She comes down C. 

Nell. Hello, Mr. Clive. What are you two doing ? Plot- 
ting against the Englishman ? 

Har. By George, I had forgotten all about the English- 
man. 

Tom. Who is he ? 

Nell. A titled Londoner. His name is Lord Chetwynd. 

Har. Richard Chetwynd ? 

Tom. An Englishman ! 

Both. I'll bet a dollar it's Dick. 

Nell. Who is Dick ? 

Har. Our old-time chum, Dick Chetwynd. He was an 
Englishman. 

Nell. And the name is the same. Was he a nobleman ? 

Tom. If he was, we never guessed it. He told us that he 
was a poor struggling artist stranded in New York, and we 
took him in. 

Har. Maybe he took us in. I'll bet he was a lord in dis- 
guise all the time. 

Nell {looking off r.). Well, you'll soon know, for here 
they come now. 

{Pause. All look r. Laughter and conversation heard off R.) 

Dick {outside r.). Awfully good of you, you know. 
Tom. That voice ! {Moves down l.) 
Har. That figure ! It's he. {Down l.) 
Tom. We meet again. 

Enter Dick, from r., escorting Ame., followed by Maj. and 
Mrs. B. 

Ame. Welcome to Lakemont ! 

Dick (at a). Awfully pretty place, you know. Quite like 
dear old London. (Sees Tom and Har.) By Jove ! 

tt " > Dick ! (Cross to him with extended hands.) 

Maj. (down r. with Mrs. B.). You know him ? 

Tom. Know him ? Well, I should say we do. We slept 
together, ate together and starved together in that attic in New 
York. 

Dick. Awfully glad to see you, old chaps. Awfully sur- 
prised and all that sort of thing ! 



44 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 



Ame. (up r.). Lord' Chetwynd, allow me to present Miss 
Gray. 

Dick. Delighted, I'm sure. 

Mrs. B. {crossing l.). But you must be tired after your 
journey. Come into the house. [Exit. 

Ma j. Yes, let's get a drink. (Crosses l.) It's as dusty as 
the desert. A camel can go twelve days without a drink, but 
who in thunder wants to be a camel ? [Exit, l. 

Dick. By Jove, who'd ever thought to have run up on you 
two way out here ? I thought you were still in New York. 

Ame. (at l.). Will you come in, Lord Chetwynd? Harry, 
you and Mr. Timmons must stop in a while, too. It's quite 
a reunion of old chums. 

Nell. Tom, Dick and Harry I The three musketeers. 

Har. That's what they used to call us. Come on. 

Dick. Awfully glad to meet my old chums, really, Miss 
Amethyst. [Exit, l., with Ame. 

Nell (with Har. at l.). Come on, Tom. It's too bad, 
isn't it ? When you have an English nobleman for a rival, 
you have a foeman worthy of your steel. [Exit, l., with Har. 

Tom (looking after them at l.). So old Dick's here, too ? 
Odd how the three of us should be rivals for the hand of one 
fair heiress. I wish little Nell Gray was an heiress. I'll bet 
Dick or Harry couldn't cut me out there. But I'm not so sure 
of Amethyst. 

Mrs. W. (heard outside R.). Come right this way, chil- 
dren. This must be the place we're looking for. (Enter Mrs. 
W., from r., followed by Pan., John, Ros. and Bijah.) 
There's a man. I'll ask him. (Comes to Q.) 

Pan. It's Mr. Timmons, maw, it's Mr. Timmons. 

Mrs. W. Support me, John Patrick, I feel faint. 

Tom. Mrs. Wood ! Good-night ! I owe her forty dollars. 

[Exit, l. 

Pan. Come back, come back, Mr. Tom ; we need the 
money. 

Enter Mat., from L. 

Maj. What is the meaning of this ? 

Mrs. W. (recovering). I am looking for my Harry. He 
said he was going to marry me and then he deserted all of us. 
Pan. And he owes us forty dollars. 
Maj. But your Harry isn't here. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 45 

Enter Mrs. B. She comes down L. 

Mrs. B. (at l.). Major, who are these people? 

Maj. (at l. a). Blamed if I know. 

Mrs. B. Ring for the servants and send them away. 

Mrs. W. I won't be sent away. I want my Harry. He 

said he was coming here. He ran away and left me 

Pan. And we need the money. 

Enter Dick and Ame. They come to c. 

John. It's Mr. Dick. They're all here. 

Mrs. W. Mr. Chetwynd ! (A little to r. of c.) 

Dick (a little to l. ofc). Mrs. Wood ! The Widow Wood 1 

Mrs. B. (at l.). Lord Chetwynd, what does this mean ? 

Ame. (up l. a). Speak, sir, speak ! 

Maj. (at l. a). It means that your fine Englishman here 
has deserted this poor woman and her little children, that's what 
it means. 

Dick. Deserted her? Preposterous. I never deserted her. 

Mrs. W. Oh, I'm faint. Some water, Mr. Dick, some 
water. (Faints in Dick's arms.) 

(Music, quick to end of act.) 

Pan. You let my maw alone. (Beats Dick.) 
Dick. Some water, quick ! 
John. I'll get it. Maw's sick. (Runs out l.) 
Maj. You'd better take your lady friend to the hotel. This 
is no place for her. 

Dick. She isn't my lady friend. She's not after me. 
Mrs. B. Why is she here then ? 
Dick. Maybe she's after Tom. 
All. Tom ? 

Enter Tom and Nell, from l. They stand at l. c. 

Dick (passing Mrs. W. to Tom and crossing down R.). 
There he is. Take her, Tom, take her ! 

Tom. I don't want her. Why is she here ? 

Mrs. B. She came after you. 

Maj. This is the last straw. Oh, Thomas, Thomas, see 
what your visit to New York has come to. 

Enter John, with water. He throws it over Mrs. W. 



46 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Tom. She's not after me. I'm not the man. It's Harry 
she wants. 

All. Harry ! 

Enter Har., followed by Whim. 

Mrs. W. (recovering). Oh, Harry, at last, at last ! 

(Faints in his arms at c. Tom and Nell up L.) 

Har. The Widow Wood. She's after her forty dollars. 
Ame. Oh, Harry, Harry, this is too much. 
Har. (passing Mrs. W. to Whim.). She's not after me. 
She's after Whimper. 

(Whim., astonished, lets her drop to the floor where she 
sits with feet toward audience and back against Whim. 



CURTAIN 



ACT III 

SCENE. — Same set as Act II. A month later. A garden 
party at Lakemont Time is night. Table is covered with 
white cloth and bears punch bowl and glasses. Strings 
of lanterns decorate the stage. Lights one-quarter down. 

{Discovered Whim, arranging punch bowl, etc. Curtain 
rises without music. When curtain is well up and after 
a slight pause, Mrs. W., now Mrs. Whimper, e?iters from 
r. and comes down c. She gazes adoringly at Whim, who 
does not see her.) 

Mrs. W. Whimper ! 

Whim, (turning'). My bride! (Takes her two hands.) 
My bonnie, bonnie bride. 

Mrs. W. Ain't there no one about? 

Whim. The guests haven't arrived yet. And the family is 
just finishing dinner, my own. (Drop hands.) 

Mrs. W. (sitting at l.). I never thought that when I left 
New York I'd be returning with a husband. And such a 
handsome husband, too. 

Whim, (at a). Gussie, you mustn't flatter me. 

Mrs. W. It ain't flattery. It's the truth. 

Whim. I'll admit that I have been always considered fas- 
cinating by the fair sect. 

Mrs. W. You are fascinating. And to think that we are 
about to go to New York on a honeymoon. Oh, Whimper, this 
is joy ! Never did I think such bliss was in store for me. 

Whim. I thought you had intended to marry one of the 
young men. 

Mrs. W. That was only a threat. I wanted a little change 
of scenery, so I came out here with the children to collect the 
forty dollars they'd been owing me for nearly a year. I won't 
deny but what one of them was smit with my charms, but 
when I saw you it was all off, as the saying is. Gussie, says I 
to myself, there is a man ! And now we're married. Have 
you broke the news to the family as yet ? 

Whim. Not a word. It will break their hearts to lose me. 
I'm the only butler in Kokomo, But what is a little thing like 

47 



48 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

their broken hearts to me ? You are a lady of property and 
attainments as well as much personal charm. 

Mrs. W. {simpering). Oh, Whimper ! 

Whim. I resign my position as a Kokomo butler to become 
a New York landlord. 

Mrs. W. How long have you buttled here, Charles? 

Whim. A matter of four years, my dear. I drew seven 
hundred dollars from the bank this afternoon, and to-night I'll 
break the fatal news to Mrs. Ballou, and early to-morrow morn- 
ing we'll take the train for New York. 

Mrs. W. I can hardly realize that I'm a married woman 
once again. Charles, you do love me for myself alone, don't 
you ? {Rises and comes to him.) 

Whim, {putting his arms aroufid her). Gussie, light of my 
life, can you ask? {About to kiss her.) 

Enter John, Pan., Ros., and Bijah. They come down r. 

John. Here, cut the comedy. Maw, the kids is hungry. 

Mrs. W. {crossing to Ros. and Bijah). We'll go and get 
supper. 

John {to Whim.). Say, you ! Why don't you invite us 
into the house and give us some ice-cream ? 

Mrs. W. John Patrick, that ain't no way to talk to your 
papa. 

John. He ain't my papa. You've got your lines crossed. 
Ring off. 

Pan. Gee, maw, are you going to take that back with you 
to New York ? 

John. If you do there won't be a brick left in the alley. 
What did you marry him for ? 

Pan. 'Cause we need the money. It's all right, maw ; I 
think he is just grand. 

Whim, {at l.). Gussie, my pet, you'd better take the 
children and return to the hotel. The family is just about 
through dinner. 

Mrs. W. {taking children and crossing up r.). And you'll 
be sure and come over as soon as you can get away ? 

Whim, {down l.). I'll fly, Gussie, fly on the wings of love. 

John. Then I'll get a shotgun, believe me. 

Mhs. W. John Patrick, how aggravating you are ! 

Whim. I must return now to the dining-room. I have to 
serve the cigars. 

John. Stick a couple in your pocket for me. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 49 

Mrs. W. Well, then, we'd better go. Come, children. 
Farewell, Charles, and remember that birdie is waiting. 
John. Birdie had better get back in her cage. 
Pan. Come on, maw, I'm hungry. 

{Pulls Mrs. W. out r., followed by children.) 

Whim. Them children is awful, perfectly awful. But Gus- 
sie is a dream, and she has money in the bank. I'll have to 
go in and break the news to Mrs. Ballou. (At l. entrance.') 
To-night I buttle for the last time. [Exit, l. 

Enter Tom, from r. He comes down r. C, meeting Ma j., zvho 
has entered from l. 

Maj. Tom, I want to speak to you a moment. 

Tom. All right, Major, here lam; go as far as you like. 

Maj. It's now a month since you began work in the whole- 
sale grocery. I was talking with Mr. Sims to-day and he says 
that you are making good. Beginning next Monday your sal- 
ary is to be advanced to one hundred dollars a month. 

Tom {shaking hands with him). Good work. (Slaps him 
on back.) Much obliged, uncle. A hundred a month ! Gee, 
I can get married on that. 

Maj. That's precisely the point I am coming to. Why 
don't you? 

Tom. I will. I'll marry and raise a family. But gimme 
time, uncle, gimme time. One can't do little things like that 
in a day, you know. 

Maj. It is the wish of my life to see you married to my 
ward. On your wedding day I'll write you a check for five 
thousand dollars. 

Tom (slapping him on back, to Maj.'s discomfort). Good 
old uncle ! Gee, I wish this was my wedding day. Say, you 
couldn't let me have fifty cents on account, could you ? 

Maj. But you have two desperate rivals here. Harry Clive 
and this English lord. 

Tom. I know it, and they are desperadoes, especially Harry. 

Maj. Now I advise you to get ahead of them. Propose at 
once. 

Tom. Uncle, I have a secret to tell you. You may con- 
gratulate me. Amethyst and I are to be married in the spring. 

Maj. In what spring ? ? {Name local 

spring.) 



50 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Tom (laughing*). Of course not. Next spring. I pro- 
posed this morning. 

Maj. You did? Shake hands. {They do so.) I'm be- 
ginning to believe that you have the makings of a man in you 
after all. Did she accept ? 

Tom. Of course. That is, she didn't say no. She's to 
give me her answer to-night. 

Maj. Remember, five thousand dollars on your wedding 
day, and five thousand more if you name your first child 
after me. 

Tom. But suppose it ain't that kind of a child ? 

Maj. Nonsense. It will be a boy. And his name is to be 
Timothy Morann Timmons. Remember, five thousand dollars. 

Tom. Isn't this all a little previous? She hasn't accepted 
me yet. 

Maj. But she will. You've won the prize. I'm delighted. 
To think that you got ahead of that English lord. Shake, my 
boy, shake ! I'm going in now and open a bottle of the best 
champagne to the health of the coming Timothy Morann Tim- 
mons. Delighted, my boy, I'm delighted. {Crosses to l.) 
Remember, you're to name the first one after me. [Exit, h. 

Enter Har., from r. 

Har. {coming down R.). Hello, Tom. Congratulate me. 
I win. 

Tom {ate). You win what? 

Har. Amethyst. I proposed this afternoon. We're to be 
married in the spring. 

Tom. What, you and Amethyst? Nonsense! I don't be- 
lieve it. 

Har. She's to give me my answer to-night. I'm the hap- 
piest man in all the world. I want you to be the best man at 
the wedding. 

Tom. How about Dick? 

Har. Oh, I've fixed Lord Chetwynd all right. I had a 
long talk with Dick last week, and I believe that he really cares 
more for that little Spanish model than he does for Amethyst. 

Tom. Who, Lolita? 

Har. Yes. So I sent her a telegram asking her to come 
here at once. I signed Dick's name, and she arrived this after- 
noon. He'li see her, propose to her, and then come here and 
be the first to congratulate Amethyst and me. 

Tom (sarcastically). Yes, he will ! Funny about our room- 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 5 1 

ing with him for months there in New York and never learning 
that he was of the nobility. 

Har. He had a quarrel with his father and came to America 
to paint pictures. 

Tom. But he didn't succeed. 

Har. Neither did we. But Dick went back to England 
like the prodigal son, and they have forgiven him. His mother 
sent him to Kokomo to marry the heiress. 

Tom. Say, I wonder which one of us she really intends to 
marry ? 

Enter Dick, from l. Comes down l. 

Dick (at l.). Hello, lads, congratulate me. 

Har. (at r.). Congratulate jwk / 

Tom (ate). What for? 

Dick. Proposed to Miss Lake this evening. We're going 
to be married in the spring. 

Tom. Strikes me that spring is going to be pretty crowded. 

Har. Has she accepted you ? 

Dick. She's to give me her final answer to-night. But I'm 
willing to wager half a crown that she returns to dear old Eng- 
land as Lady Chetwynd. What American girl could resist a 
title like mine? I want you both to be at the wedding. 

Har. Oh, we'll both be at the wedding all right, all right. 

Dick (crossing to Tom and Har., who are now down r.). 
And another little matter. Now that it has been definitely de- 
cided that I am the lucky man, perhaps it would be better 
form, dear boys, if you would cease to annoy Miss Lake with 
your attentions. No offense, you know, but people will talk. 
People are so rude here in America. 

Tom. As a matter of fact I don't think Amethyst intends to 
become Lady Chetwynd. 

Har. Neither do I. I feel rather sure that she is going to 
become Mrs. Harry Clive. 

Tom. Or Mrs. Tom Timmons. 

Dick. What ! But you haven't proposed, have you? 

Tom. I proposed this morning. 

Har. And I proposed this afternoon. 

Dick. By Jove, what a coincidence ! 

Tom. I sent her a bouquet of red roses to-night. When 
she appears wearing my flowers I guess you both take to the 
woods. 

Har. I sent her some roses, too. White bride's roses. I'll 



52 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

bet she'll wear white roses to-night. I'm sure she doesn't care 
for red roses. 

Dick. By Jove I I sent some roses, too. Pink roses. I 
ordered them from Indiana. Awfully sorry for you, old chaps, 
really I am. Sorry to have you disappointed and all that sort 
of thing. But when you see her, she'll be wearing pink 
roses 

Tom. Red roses ! 

Har. White roses ! 

Dick. Bah, you know that I'll be the lucky man. {Takes 
glass of punch.) Come, lads, a toast. To Amethyst ! May 
she give me a favorable answer to-night. 

Har. (raising glass). To the future Mrs. Clive. And 
white roses. 

Tom (raising glass). To my heart's delight. And the red 
rose of love. 

(All drink.) 
Enter Whim., from l. 

Har. (r. a). Say, Whimper, has Miss Lake come down 
yet? 

Whim, (at l.). Oh, yes, sir. 

Dick {at Har.'s r.). And is she wearing roses, Whimper? 

Whim. I think she is, my lord. 

Tom (at Dick's r.). What kind of roses, Whimper? 

Whim, (surprised). Just ordinary hothouse roses, sir. 

Har. But what color ? 

Whim. I never noticed the color particularly, sir. But I 
think they are yellow. 

Tom. ~\ 

Dick. \ Yellow ? 

Har. ) 

Whim, (calmly). Yes, sir. But I never was a good judge 
of colors, sirs ; having been quite color-blind since I was a 
mere youth, as the saying is. (Looks l.) But here she comes, 
gentlemen ; you may see for yourself. 

Enter Ame. , from L. She wears three roses with long stems , 
a pink rose, a red rose and a white rose. She comes down 
l. c. 

Amethyst ! 




THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 53 

Ame. Good-evening. [Exit Whim, at l. 

Tom {shaking hands with Ame. at a). Would you like to 
take a walk in the moonlight ? 

Har. You promised to come for a ride on the lake. 

Dick. Yes, and you promised to show me the roses in the 
garden. Pink roses. 

Ame. {taking Dick's arm). So I did. Tom, you'll excuse 
me, won't you ? And you, Harry ? We can go on the lake a 
little later. 

Dick {to Tom and Har.). What did I tell you ? England 
always is victorious. [Exit, r., with Ame. 

Tom. Stung. And by an Englishman, too. 

Har. {at r. a). I didn't think she'd treat me like that. 
Why in thunder didn't you and Dick stay in New York and 
let us alone ? Things were going all right until you two came. 

Tom {at a). It's very evident that she intends to become 
Lady Chetwynd. 

Har. Not if I can prevent it. Anyhow she wore a white 
rose. 

Tom. Yes, and a red one too. But she also wore a pink 
one and she plainly gave Dick the preference. 

Har. I'll soon put a stop to that. I'm going to the hotel. 

Tom. What for ? 

Har. To find Lolita. If any one can break up this affair, 
she's the girl. [Exit, r. 

Tom {at a). I know what I'll do. I'll flirt with Nell and 
make Amethyst jealous. Not a bad idea. I rather like to flirt 
with Nell. Gee, I wish she had eighty thousand dollars. If 
she did I wouldn't allow Dick or Harry to come within a mile 
of her. 

Enter Nell, from l. 

Nell. Hello, Tom. 

Tom. Hello, Nell. I was just thinking about you. 

Nell. I thought you were always thinking about Amethyst. 

Tom. Don't you believe it. You're ever so much more in- 
teresting than Amethyst. 

Nell. Flatterer. I haven't eighty thousand dollars. 

Tom. What difference does that make ? Who cares for a 
little thing like that ? Say, Nell, have you heard about my new 
promotion ? 

Nell. No, what is it ? 



54 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Tom {proudly). A hundred a month. Begins Monday. 

Nell. Oh, I'm so glad. 

Tom. So am I. Say, Nell, will you marry me? 

Nell. What ? 

Tom {lightly). I just merely inquired whether you'd marry 
me. 

Nell {startled). Why — why — what a funny way to pro- 
pose. 

Tom. You love me, don't you ? I thought you did. I was 
sure of it. 

Nell. But I don't. 

Tom. You don't? {Pause.) Honest, don't you ? 

Nell {positively). Certainly not. 

Tom. Well, you will in time. I think you are the finest 
girl I've ever met. I've loved you ever since we were little kids 
together. 

Nell. Honest, Tom ? Do you really care for me ? 

Tom. You bet your life. 

Nell. I thought you were going to marry Amethyst. 

Tom. So did I. Once. But when I saw you Honest, 

Nell, I'd rather marry you than any heiress in the country. 
What I want is a little home and a little wife. I can earn the 
money. 

Nell. That's the way I love to hear you talk. 

Tom. Then you do love to hear me talk. 

Nell. If I thought you were in earnest. {Pause.) 

Tom. I am in earnest. Honest I am. If you say the 
word we'll be married at once. To-night. I can get a license 
from Charley Thomas and we can drive over to the minister's 
and be married in half an hour. I dare you to. 

Nell. And you really care for me ? 

Tom. You bet I do. I wouldn't ask you to marry me if I 
didn't. Will you? (Pause. She turns away from him.) 
Will you, Nell ? 

Nell {slowly turning toward him). Yes, Tom, I will. 
I've loved you all my life. 

Tom. Get your hat, get your hat. We'll be married at 
once and come back and surprise the bunch. 

Nell. My hat ? 

Tom. You don't need a hat. The car is outside. We'll 
borrow it for our wedding journey. Come on. 

Nell. But, Tom 

Tom. We've got to hurry. Come on. 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 55 

{Hurries her out R.) 
Enter Maj., from L., followed by Mrs. B. 

Maj. {speaking as he enters). But I tell you I won't have 
it. It's gone far enough. He's got to leave and you must tell 
him so. Amethyst is going to marry my nephew. 

Mrs. B. Don't be impossible, Major. She is going to do 
nothing of the sort. Why, she is an heiress and he hasn't a 
penny. 

Maj. He makes a hundred a month. 

Mrs. B. That wouldn't keep Amethyst in clothes. 

Maj. Well, let her buy her own clothes. 

Mrs. B. She must marry a title. Think what it would 
mean to her to be Lady Chetwynd. They are in the rose 
garden now. He proposed this evening and she is accepting 
him now. 

Maj. I'll never give my consent. Never. 

Mrs. B. She doesn't need it. She's of age, you know. 

Maj. But I won't allow her to marry this heiress hunter. 
That's what he is. A mere heiress hunter. 

Mrs. B. People might say that your nephew is little better. 

Maj. Madam, don't excite me. I'm a calm, peaceful man, 
but don't excite me, don't excite me ! 

Mrs. B. I'm not trying to excite you. I'm only insisting 
that Amethyst should marry into the nobility. 

Maj. She shan't ! She won't disobey me. And if you 
won't send this British lord on his way, I'll do it myself. I 
don't like him anyhow. 

Enter Ame. and Dick, from l. They come down L. 

Mrs. B. They are here. 

Ame. Major ! Good-evening, auntie. 

Mrs. B. {crossing to them at l.). Well, Amethyst, have 
you anything to tell me? 

Ame. {puzzled). I don't think so. 

Mrs. B. I thought maybe you both had something to 
tell me. 

Maj. They'll tell you that you are a meddling old woman. 

Mrs. B. What ! Meddling old woman ! Major Morann, 
how dare you ? (Crosses to him.) How dare you ? ( Crosses 
to r.) Oh, I am insulted, I am insulted. 

Ame. {crossing to her). Now, auntie, don't make a scene. 
He didn't mean it. You didn't mean it, did you, Major? 



$6 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Maj. You bet your life I meant it. I said it and I meant it. 

Mrs. B. Oh, my smelling salts. This is unbearable. Ame- 
thyst, take me in ; I really believe I'm going to faint. 

[Exit, l., with A me. 

Maj. (to Dick). Well, sir, what have you to say for your- 
self? 

Dick. Nothing, Major. Merely that it is a pleasant even- 
ing. 

Maj. Pleasant evening ? Pleasant evening? Thunder and 
lightning ! (Crosses to l.) And he calls it a pleasant evening. 

[Exit, l. 

Dick. By Jove ! Awfully bad form, you know. I never 
could stand these family rows. Always gets on my nerves and 
all that sort of thing. She said she'd give me my answer 
to-morrow. By Jove ! if I married her the major and the old 
woman would be rowing continually. And I never could stand 
anything like that. Perhaps I had better go to my room, 
quietly pack my luggage and take the midnight train back to 
New York. 

Enter Lol., from r. She stands at back a moment watching 
Dick. She recognizes him and comes down r. c. 

Lol. It is ! It is ! My Englishman ! 

Dick. Lolita ! What are you doing here in Kokomo? 

Lol. I came for you. My last cent of money I spent for a 
ticket to this Kokomo. For you, my sefior, my Englishman. 
And now that I have found you, you have no word of greeting 
for me. ( Turns aside and weeps.*) You have no thought for 
poor Lolita. 

Dick. Now, don't cry, there's a good little girl. Don't 
cry. 

Lol. (sobbing on his shoulder). You do not love Lolita 
any more. 

Dick. Oh, yes, I do. Really, I do. Only don't cry ! It 
makes me so nervous to have any one cry and all that sort of 
thing. Please don't cry. 

Lol. (drawing stiletto'). Now, choose, my Englishman. 
Lolita or this dagger ! Which shall it be? 

Dick. By Jove ! If I have to choose, I'll choose Lolita. 
1 never did like daggers. 

Lol. (down l. a). My Englishman ! 

Dick. By Jove, Lolita, it seems like old times to see you 
again. You are just as pretty as ever, too. I must paint your 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 57 

picture again. These pale American girls are like insipid 
lilies compared to the dusky beauty of my wild Spanish orchid. 
By Jove, Lolita, I'd like to take you over to London. What a 
sensation you'd make. My cousin married one of the Gaiety 
Girls, but she can't hold a candle to you. If you were Lady 
Chetwynd, you'd be the sensation of the season. 

Lol. Lady Chetwynd ? 

Dick. Yes. If you marry me, you will be Lady Chetwynd, 
you know. 

Lol. And you will marry me ? 

Dick. By Jove, I believe I will. 

Enter Tom and Nell, from r. They come down R. 

Tom {atR. a). We've been and gone and done it. 

Dick. Done what ? 

Tom. Got married. Let me present my wife, Mrs. Tom 
Timmons. 

Dick. By Jove ! {Shakes hands.) Congratulations, and 
all that sort of thing. {Goes to Nell.) Awfully sudden, 
wasn't it? 

Nell. Yes, just like a tornado. {Talks with Dick.) 

Tom. Lolita ! Have you forgotten me ? 

Lol. But, no. It is the Seiior Tom. {Shakes hands.) 
Ah, my friend, I am glad to see you. 

Tom. And so am I. {To Nell.) Mrs. Timmons. {She 
pays no attention. He speaks louder.) Mrs. Timmons, my 
dear ! 

Nell. Oh, do you mean me? I forgot that was my name. 

Tom. Let me present my old friend Lolita. You've heard 
me speak of her. 

Nell. So glad to meet you. 

(Girls down l. ; Men at c.) 

Dick. But how did you get married so quickly ? 

Tom. Easiest thing in the world. Just went down to the 
city hall, got a license, went to the parson's, gave him five 
dollars and got a wife. Just as easy as lighting a cigar. 

Dick. By Jove, I have an idea 

Tom. You have? Hold onto it before it gets away. 

Dick. I think I'll get married just that way. 

Tom. To-night ? 

Dick. Right away. 

Tom. You and Amethyst? 



58 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Dick. Not at all, not at all. I'm going to marry Lolita. 

Tom {shaking hands). Congratulations, old man. Our car 
is right at the gate. Hop in, drive to the city hall, get license, 
drive to the parson, pay him five dollars, and God bless you 
my children. 

Dick. Will you come, Lolita ? 

Lol. With you, my Englishman, I would go to the end of 
the world. 

Dick. Say, old man, lend me five dollars, will you? 

Tom. Here's ten. Keep the change to begin housekeep- 
ing on. 

Dick. By Jove, I'm going to be married. Come, Lolita. 

[Exit, r., with Lol. 

Nell. Rather sudden, wasn't it ? I thought he was going 
to marry the heiress. 

Tom. He's been in love with Lolita for nearly two years. 

Enter Maj., from l. Tom and Nell down r. 

Maj. {coming down l.). Tom, Tom, I've been looking 
everywhere for you. I've got good news. Great news. 

Tom. Yes? And I've got a little news myself. 

Maj. I've fixed it all right. I've arranged everything. 
She's yours, she is yours. 

Tom. Yes, I know she's mine. That's what I wanted to 
tell you. 

Maj. And remember the first one is to be named after me. 

Tom. Oh, uncle ! 

Maj. She is a little bit shy, but all you have to do now is 
to buy her the ring, and she is yours. 

Tom. She's mine without the ring. I forgot all about a 
ring. 

Maj. But you must have a ring. I am sure Amethyst will 
insist on a ring. 

Tom. Amethyst? I'd forgotten all about Amethyst. 

Maj. Forgotten all about her ? Are you crazy ? I want to 
announce your engagement to-night. 

Tom. You can announce more than my engagement, uncle. 
But not to Amethyst. I was married this evening. 

Maj. Married ? You ? 

Tom {leading Nell forward). Uncle, this is Mrs. Tom 
Timmons. 

Maj. What ! Well, I'll be blowed. 

Tom. Won't you shake hands and congratulate us ? 



THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 59 

Nell. Major ! 

(In pleading voice. Pause. Maj. looks at them, scowling 
at first, but his face gradually changes to smiles.) 

Tom. You forgive us ? 

Nell. Yes, please, Major. We'll never do it again. 

Maj. But this young rascal was going to marry Amethyst. 

Tom. Not at all, not at all ; you must have dreamed all 
that, uncle. 

Maj. (after a slight pause). Well, maybe I did. (Shakes 
hands with them.) Bless you, my children, bless you. 

(Crosses to L.) 

Tom. Where are you going ? 

Maj. Going to write that check for five thousand dollars. 
(At l. ) And remember, the first one is to be named after me. 

(Laughs and exits l. ) 

Enter Har. at r. He comes down R. 

Har. Hello. Let me congratulate you. I heard all 
about it down-town. 

(Shakes hands with Tom and Nell at c. ) 

Tom. Have you heard about Dick and Lolita? 

Har. No. I sent her up here to find Dick. Where are 
they? 

Tom. Gone to be married. 

Har. What? (He skips around stage.) Then I'm the 
man. Oh {singing), " This is the life, this is the life, this is 
the life for me." 

Nell. We'd better go in and tell Amethyst. 

Tom. So we had. Come on, Harry. We're going to 
break the news. [Exit, L., with Nell. 

Har. Now, maybe Amethyst will wear white roses. 

Enter Ame., from l. 

Ame. I thought the major was here. 

Har. No, there's no one here but me. 

Ame. They are about to begin the dance. Aren't you 
coming in? 

Har. In a moment. May I have the first dance with you ? 

Ame. (looking at programme). Oh, I have that one with 
Lord Chetwynd, 



60 THE HEIRESS HUNTERS 

Har. Lord Chetwynd has gone away on a very important 
engagement. He's gone to be married. 

Ame. Married ? Surely you are joking ? 

Har. Not a joke. A friend of his came from New York 
this afternoon. He saw her here to-night, and I'm positive that 
they're going to take the late train for their honeymoon. How 
about the second dance ? 

Ame. {looking at programme). I have that with Tom. 

Har. Scratch it, scratch it. Tom's married. 

Ame. Mr. Clive, how strangely you talk ! 

Har. It's true. Tom was married to Nell Gray half an 
hour ago. They're in the house now announcing their wed- 
ding. It was an awful surprise. 

Ame. I never heard of the like. Perhaps you are going to 
be married, too ? 

Har. I am. To-night. 

Ame. You are? To whom, Mr. Clive? 

Har. Oh, to some one. It seems to be quite the fad to 
get married to-night. 

Ame. Perhaps I am keeping you from your fiancee. I'd bet- 
ter go. 

Har. Oh, don't go. At least not that way. I want you 
to go down-town with me. 

Ame. And leave my guests? How absurd. 

Har. That's just what it is — absurd. The whole thing has 
been absurd. But you and I are going to be married to-night. 

Ame. We are ? 

Har. Got to keep in the fashion. 

Ame. But I haven't accepted you yet. 

Har. You wore my rose to-night. I took hope when I saw 
that. Faint heart never won fair lady. (Ame. takes red rose 
from her waist and slowly pulls it to pieces.) Good-bye, Tom. 
(Ame. same business with pink rose.) Farewell, Lord Chet- 
wynd. 

Ame. And now I have only one left. A white one. 

Har. The one I sent. And it's a bride's rose. {Takes 
her in his arms.) So you've made up your mind at last? 

Ame. I made up my mind the first time I saw you. In the 
garret in New York. 

Har. And I knew it all the time. 

CURTAIN 



New Plays 



THE TWIG OF THORN 

An Irish Fairy Play in Two Acts 

By Marie "Josephine Warren 

Author of "The Elopement of Ellen," "Tommy's Wife," "Endymton" etc. 

Six males, seven females. Costumes, Irish peasant ; scene, an interior. 
Plays an hour and a half. A little play of strong dramatic interest and 
quite exceptional charm of style and imaginative power, ideally suited for 
school performance. A close and accurate study of Irish folk-lore in the 
manner of Yeats, closely rivaling him in truth of atmosphere and in poetic 
duality. Highly recommended both as drama and as literature. 
Price, in cloth binding, jo cents 

THE SENTIMENTAL SARAHS 

A Farce-Comedy in Three Acts 

By Harold Hale 

Author of "The Best Man," "A Tax on Bachelors," "The Plundering 

Mr. Brown" "The People's Money," etc. 

Five males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scene, a sic gle interior. 
Plays one hour and forty minutes. A bright and amusing play with a very 
even cast of characters. Lots of incident and plenty of action. The lead- 
ing parts are two sentimental old maids, but their adventure* are merely 
funny and never mawkish. Professional stage rights reserved but free for 
amateur performance. 

Price, 25 cents 

A ROW AT THE RUGGLES 

A Comedy in One Act 

By Harold Hale 
Two males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy totccor. 
Plays thirty minutes. A very vivacious and entertaining little piece telling 
a story of life during the honeymoon period, full of laughs and human i» 
terest. Easy, bright, up to date and generally to be recommended. 

Price, 13 cents 

UP AGAINST IT 

A Farce in One Act 

By Innis Gardner Osborn 

Five males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scene, an easy interior. 
Plays twenty-five minutes. A rapid and laughable complication of the 
vaudeville order with a cast of very even opportunity. An admirable 
colored character part, a " tough " young man and a burlesque old maid \ 
•Sher parts straight. Easy and effective ; can be recommended. 

Prite, 15 cents 



New Plays 



MID-CHANNEL 

A Play in Four Acts 
By Arthur Wing Pinero 
Six males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. This strong and interesting work by Eng- 
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of its leading character in this country by Miss Ethel Barrymore. It man- 
ifests the same absolute technical skill that always distinguishes the work 
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greater extent than any of his recent plays. An admirable reading play. 
Stage rights reserved for the present. Price, jo cents. 

THE THUNDERBOLT 

A Comedy in Four Acts 
By Arthur Wing Pinero 
Ten male, nine female characters. Scenery, three interiors ; costumes, 
modern. Plays a full evening. A powerful acting play that reads like a 
novel. Acting rights reserved for the present. Price, jo cents. 

THE NEW YORK IDEA 

A Comedy in Four Acts 
By Langdon Mitchell 
Nine male, six female characters. Scenery, three interiors ; costumes, 
modern. Plays a full evening. Well known through the performance of 
Mrs. Fiske. Permission may be obtained by amateurs to play it on pay- 
ment of an author's royalty of #25.00 for each performance. 

Price, 50 cents. 

COUSIN KATE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By Hubert Henry Davies 
Three males, four females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, two easy in- 
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only ; acting rights strictly reserved. Price, jo cents. 

MRS. GORRINGE'S NECKLACE 

A Play in Four Acts 

By Hubert Henry Davies 

Five males, five females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, a single interior. 

Plays two hours and a half. Well known through the performance of Sir 

Charles Wyndham. Sold for reading only ; acting rights strictly reserved. 

Price, 50 cents. 



New Plays 



THE DEACONS SECOND WIFE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By Allan Abbott 

Six males, six females. Costumes modern ; scenery, one interior, one 
exterior. Plays two hours and a half. A play of rural life specially 
written for school performance. All the parts are good and of nearly 
equal opportunity, and the piece is full of laughs. Easy to produce ; no awk 
ward sentimental scenes ; can be strongly recommended for high schools t 

Price, 2 j cents 

CHARACTERS 

(As originally pyoduced under the title of "Back to Nature" at The 
Horace Mann School, New York, by the Senior Class of 1909 % 
for the benefit of The Athletic Field.) 

(In order of their first entrance) 

Malvina Fitz, the Deacon's "first wife" 

Deacon Barachias Fitz, a bigamist in spite of himself \ 

Milton George Wa5Hington Fitz, a good specimen of Young 

America. 
Nancy Melissa Fitz, his sister — a close second. 
Mrs. Brown, who likes to 'tend to things. 
Kate Rollins, the Deacon's " second wife. 1 * 
John D. Bullock, a captain of industry. 
Mrs. Bullock, his boss. 
Dorothy Bullock, an up-to-date society girl. 
Hartley Bullock, author of "Why Boys Leave the Farm. n 
Earnest Rench, about everything there is. 
Philip Gamboge, professional painter and amateur speculator* 

LOOKING FOR MORE 

A Farce in One Act 

By Clarence Mansfield Lindsay 
Four males, two females. Costumes modern; scene, an interior. Plays 
thirty minutes. A very easy and lively farce that can be recommended for 
performance by young people. The parts are very evenly divided in op« 
portunity and effective without being in the least difficult. 

Price, 13 cents 

WHAT HAPPENED 

A Sketch in One Act 

Two female characters. Costumes modern ; scenery unimportant Plays 
ten minutes. A very slight but very funny skit, suitable for a programme 
or for a drawing-room performance without the least preparation in the 
Way of properties. A sure success if played rapidly. 

Price : 15 cents 



Popular Plays 



THE COUNTRY MINISTER 

A Comedy Drama in Five Acts 
By Arthur Lewis Tubbs 
Eight males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery not difficult. 
Plays a full evening. A very sympathetic piece, of powerful dramatic in- 
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THE TEASER 

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By Charles S. Allen 
Four male, three female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same 
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Price y 25 cents 

THE HERO OF THE GRIDIRON 

A College Comedy in Five Acts 

By Estelle Cook 

Nine male, four female characters and supernumeraries. Costumes, 
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very easy and remarkably effective in performance. Can be played only 
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Price, 25 cents 

MOSE 

A Comedy in Three Acts 

By C IV. Miles 
Eleven males, ten females. Scenery, two interiors ; costumes, modern* 
Plays an hour and a half. A lively college farce, full of the true college 
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highly for coeducational colleges. 

Price, 15 cents 

Sent, post-paid, on receipt of price, by 

BAKER, 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Mass, 



H. IV. Pinero's Plays 

Price, 50 Cc its each 



Min PHANNFT Play in Four Acts. Six males, five females. 
l"IIl/"\*ll/\llliEiLi Costumes, modern; scenery, three interiors. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH 2£*M& 

males, five females. Costumes, modern; scenery, all interiors. 
Plays a full evening. 

THF PROFIIPATF Play in Four Acts. Seven males, five 
* **" * IVV/i LilVJ/i. 1 £i females. Scenery, three interiors, rather 
elaborate ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 

THF QPHAOI MIQTPFQQ Farce in Three Acts. Nine males, 
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THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY g&MXK , A & 

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ClirrCT I AVFlNinFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, 
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THF THITNnFRRAI T Comedy in Four Acts. Ten males, 
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THF TIMF^ Comedy in Four Act?. Six males, seven females. 
I lit 1 1 III HO Scene, a single interior ; costumes, modern. Plays 
a full evening. 

THF WFAffFR <*FY Comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, 
lrlC W £i/\I\.EiIV uILA eight females. Costumes, modern; 
scenery, two interiors. Plays a full evening. 

A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE K^malM, four females'. 
Costumes, modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 



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f A Mil I F Drama in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. Cos- 
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INIiOMAR Play in Five Acts. Thirteen males, three females. 
mUVinAfV Scenery varied ; costumes, Greek. Plays a full evening. 

MAW STIIAKT Tragedy in Five Acts. Thirteen males, four fe- 
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THF MFPfHANT AF VFNIfF Comedy in Five Acts. Seventeen 
IUC ITIEHV/IIAIVI Vr YEMCE males, three females. Costumes, 
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PICHFT IFII -Play i Q Pi ye Acts. Fifteen males, two females. Scen- 
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THF RIVATS Comedy in Five Acts. Nine males, five females. 
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SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER 2SK&5 £k$"*SJ2££ 

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